I had the best sleep in days last night. I got about six hours, infinitely better than previous nights. Sleep deprivation starts to unhinge the mind and when you add a mood disorder the result is very volatile.
I feel I have more energy but I’m going to need it. Two old friends have come to visit. Paranoia and racing thoughts.
I have touched on paranoia before. Essentially it is rooted in fear. Fear of threats where no threat exists. It is often directed at the most benign thing. Occasionally, the focus is someone I love.
The perceived threat gives rise to feelings of anxiety and panic. Tremor in the hand, pallor of the skin and even chest tightness. It is important to keep reminding myself that the danger is imaginary.
Racing thoughts are more difficult to explain. Imagine taking the verse of a song you like – say “Masterplan” by oasis. The verse gets into your head and repeats in a never ending loop in your brain. You might sing the words but it doesn’t bring relief. It is an irritating idea isn’t it.
Now, imagine every thought you have has the propensity to go around and around your head in a perpetual cycle. Imagine the thoughts are negative, upsetting or bizarre. I can’t even fall asleep to escape them. I can’t shut down my brain. It drives me crazy.
So I’m exhausted, depressed, paranoid and my thoughts are racing. It’s not very pleasant. But the reality is that this isn’t one of my worst days. Not even close.
The good news is that all of these symptoms will settle as I get better. Strap yourselves in. It’s a long flight and the Captain expects turbulence.
