“I don’t remember, I don’t recall,
I have no memory of anything at all”
Peter Gabriel – Shaking the Tree
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When I was 24 years old I became psychotic. I believed that the IRA were trying to recruit me. Their medium of communication was the radio. Certain songs had subliminal messages embedded in them and I would have to act according to their(IRA) orders. It went on for months and was the most terrifying experience of my life. I was finally admitted to hospital and the symptoms regressed.
I think I am psychotic again. I say that with a very heavy heart. I am hearing voices in my head. I think it is my own voice primarily but I’m not sure. The voices shout insults at me and try to order me perform certain acts. I am doing my best to ignore them but it is difficult.
This morning I was sure that some sort of transmitter had been placed in my left ear during mastoid surgery in 2006. This is how the voices were talking to me inside my head. This afternoon, that idea seems a little far fetched and as the hours go on, it seems to be less and less logical or probable.I haven’t given up on it completely.
I am very paranoid and think that the nurses and patients are trying to give me subliminal messages. I’m not even 100% sure that my wife isn’t in on the act. I just don’t know.
I don’t know what happens from here. If I completely lose my grasp on reality, I will be transferred to a lock-up ward. It is the most undignified place I have ever been and, yes, I was there before. It might be a while before I get to write again. Keep your fingers crossed for me…
