“Miracles will happen as we trip,
But we’re never gonna survive unless,
We get a little crazy”
“Crazy” – Seal
——
Well, I’m still here and not due to go anywhere for some time yet. I was home over the weekend and that went well. But I found myself getting tired very easily. A short walk with the dogs and I was wrecked. Fatigue is a well known symptom of depression so I might as well get used to it for a while.
Of course adding to the fatigue is the simple fact that I’m not getting enough sleep. I am chronically tired. My eyes burn and so does my brain but I just can’t switch off. I’m taking sufficient medication to sedate a large donkey but it is to no avail. Despite the inability to doze off, side effects of the medication are becoming troublesome. My hands shake, my mouth is dry, I’m suffering heartburn and constipation is a daily problem. Some of these can be treated but mostly they must be quietly tolerated.
The delusion of voices in my head is abating. They are not as intrusive nor distressing. I still hear them at night and during the morning but, as the day passes, they abate. When I am aware of them, they are distressing. The content is always negative and derogatory. Occasionally, it is bizarre.
The paranoid delusions are going strong. They are vivid and all centre on the notion that I need to be taught a lesson. That I have become too big for my boots, too cocky. I am trying to fight them but sometimes its easier just to give in and do what they want. By the way, I don’t know who they are and I’m not particularly keen to find out. But I do know that they scare the daylights out of me and I spend my nights in terror.
The worst paranoid thoughts are the ones that derive from the members of my family. They are particularly upsetting and inhumane. Let’s hope they leave soon.
It’s tough. It’s hard to survive. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself and deeply sad. I can feel the energy draining away. That’s when I turn to my wife and she recharges my soul. Just a bit. She is like a Duracell bunny, she lasts longer than everyone else. She can afford to give me a little of her life-force. She has plenty in reserve. And anyway, I will pay her back before long.
Good to hear you had a little respite over the weekend. Your description of Cliona as a Duracell bunny is so apt. She is amazing.
Words fail me so I won’t say anymore save that you are always in my thoughts,
Thanks Mum. Talk soon.
Great to chat these last two days Dave,if only for a brief time, it was great to hear your voice. I can truly say In reading your logs, I am astounded as to the resilience you have to your illness, it’s a true sign of the greater than life character I remember you so fondly as, you were always like a big brother to me. I experience a multitude of emotions while reading your blog, the Daithi humour, pain,frustration, but most prominent is the love that is helping you through your challenges, the love of your amazing family, and to see you feed positive energy from your Duracell bunny, sorry Cli, is very heartwarming.. Thinking of you and you family always Dave…
Love,
Pat,Helena and Brady Bunch..xx
Thanks for your kind words Pat. I only regret that I didn’t take more time to stay in contact. Better late than never. Dave ?
I wish I could silence the voices. Protect you from them as I know you would do for me.
What a beautiful sentiment. I’m touched Says.
Hello. Few days ago, for not known reasons I got across your posts followed by your website. And I have to tell you it was quite experience to go through your story. Looking forwards to your New post! Feels like you are on a way to the future:) My very own motto is: I LIKE LIVING and I LIKE TO BE ALIVE . XXX
Thanks for that Ania.