Bipolar Disorder affects you mentally, physically and spiritually. I heard that many years ago and often since but only recently do I begin to accept it. It is true of many conditions but especially true of mental illness. Treating the mind and body is not difficult to understand but only when I grasped the spiritual effects could I start to heal holistically.
Many before me have chosen to characterise or embody their psychiatric illness in a way that had significance for them. Niall “Bressie” Breslin named his anxiety, his mate Jeffrey. Churchill referred to his depression as the “Black Dog”. “The Black Ball” is how I visualise my suffering, characterise my demons. It is about the size of a bowling ball, solid but with smoky wisps visibly toiling under its shiny shell where the demons writhe.
I think I stole the image from The Lord of the Rings movies. The Palantir or “Seeing Stone” allowed Sauron to telecommunicate with the hobbit, Pippin, in the final instalment of the trilogy. Gandalf recognised the danger, swallowed the Palantir in his cloak and sped away to safety with the unfortunate half-ling.
Despite my plagiarism, the image is still useful. I envision all my negative traits, negative thoughts and negative actions stem from the black ball. It is the condensation of all my pain, fear, guilt and self-loathing.
The black ball is not an earthly entity. It resides in my soul where it sits in my abdomen and feeds on my life’s blood. It is mostly solid, hard, dense and heavy. It is so very heavy. It is almost indestructible and has no natural enemy. Except for one, my wife.
When I am suffering, in deep pain, I can meditate and imagine the black ball feeding on my spirit. If I really focus, my wife arrives to help me. She holds my hand and carries the black ball for a little while. Maybe a few minutes, but I get the chance to catch my breath and siphon some of her energy.
I’m not always aware of the black ball but I know it’s lurking in the background. However, when I’m depressed, the window to my soul opens up and allows the horror to surface. Then, as now, the shell of the sphere becomes softer, semi-permeable and the demons can escape and reach for my heart. I know that feeling. I know the pain, and I have no choice but to call for reinforcements. I can field an impressive army, I have many allies. But leading the charge is my wife, strong, bold and brave. She has always managed to subdue the beast in the past. This time will be no different.
The fight seems never ending and the black ball is older than me. Many of the demons have been inherited over generations. I don’t think it will ever disappear but I hope someday to liken it to a “Black Snooker Ball”. That would be easier to wield.
