Discharged.

“Take these broken wings
And learn to fly again
Learn to live so free”

“Broken Wings” – Mr. Mister

—–

Today I was finally discharged from hospital. I was an in-patient for five weeks. I feel stronger but not back to peak condition yet. I tire easily and nap repeatedly during the day. To be able to sleep so easily is a pleasure. It is in stark contrast to the insomnia that accompanies hypomania. I am simply working on the considerable “sleep debt” accrued in recent months. It is pay-back time.

My mood is balanced, euthymic. It has been a difficult period. A lot has happened and recovery is slow. The process is on-going and the aim is to prevent any further admissions for the foreseeable future. If I do not learn from my time in hospital then it is all for naught. So what did I learn?

Once more, I have proven my resilience. When my back was to the wall, I came out fighting and beat bipolar disorder once more. I have proven that it is a smaller part of my personality than I sometimes care to think. I have proven that there is always light at the end of the tunnel and that the bad times will pass. It is hard to remember this especially when looking up from the depths of depression. But this essential fact can give me hope in the future and guide the inevitable recovery. I have proven, that against great odds, I can succeed. And so can every individual who struggles with mental illness.

I have learned that I am not alone. There are more people who support me, who care for me, than I can easily count. My wife and family are to the forefront but among my allies are my sisters, work colleagues, my in-laws and college friends. I have rekindled old friendships and strengthened some others. In my time as an in-patient, I never had time to get lonely. There was always someone in contact with me and for that I am deeply grateful.

In addition, this blog went public during my time in hospital and the response has been overwhelming. The messages of support and good-will have been humbling. I hope I can continue to share my experiences with you for some time to come.

The most important lesson I have learned is at once most simple to understand and most difficult to correct. It has become obvious to me that I do not have the luxury of allowing myself to get lonely. Some people are introvert and enjoy their own company. I am obviously extrovert in nature. Any more that one to two hours alone and I start to crave human company, human contact.

I work three days a week. This certainly allows me to recover from the stresses of my job, recharge the batteries and get ready to start again. Once a week, I volunteer with Childline. It’s my way of giving something back and I enjoy doing it. That leaves one day a week when I have a lot of time on my hands. It is important that I find something to do to fill in that time. It might be cycling, playing guitar, reading or some other activity I haven’t considered yet.

The key is distraction. When I get bored and ultimately lonely, my thoughts become negative, I catastrophise, believing the worst possible outcome for any given situation and finally, I get paranoid. I believe that the solution is to keep active, to meet with people, to keep in contact with my friends. I must prevent myself from just sitting and ruminating. The challenge is finding the motivation to do these activities especially when my mood is low. No one said it was easy.

So, my time in hospital is behind me for now. The future looks bright. It’s time to get busy living or get busy dying. I choose life!