“I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind”
“Skinny love” – Bon Iver
I haven’t posted in over a week. I haven’t felt like it. That youthful burst of enthusiasm I enjoyed when first I left hospital has vanished. The adrenaline is spent. Depression is in the air again, but then, it never went too far. Life is a drudge.
But just to be clear, I’m not that bad either. My thoughts are negative, my mood is low but I am still functioning. I’m still fighting. But I’m getting a little tired of fighting all the time. I’d like to visit “easy street” for a while.
Anhedonia is the word which best describes how I feel – a lack of pleasure in normally pleasurable activities. It’s a fancy way of saying that I feel like shit. There is no joy, no fun.
And believe me I’m trying! I’m doing all the right things. I drag myself out of bed every morning and wash and shave even though I’m moping around an empty house and no one sees my face. I take my medication, I play my guitar and I’ve been to see my therapist every week. I’ve been cycling and I spend as much time with my wife as I can but even that doesn’t give me a lift. And when did it become her responsibility to cheer me up all the time?
Sometimes I think depression is just something that has to be suffered. Something that has to be survived and out-lived. External factors won’t necessarily give me immediate satisfaction but they will prevent me from getting worse. The day I start to isolate myself, avoid daily activities, simply don’t bother to shave is when I take a step towards severe depression and the damaging negative thoughts it brings.
I’m due to see my psychiatrist in a week. I already spoke to him on the phone in recent days. Maybe we can alter my medication to help but in reality we probably can’t. I don’t respond well to antidepressants. They make me hypomanic which is only replacing one problem with another. We are unlikely to reduce my current medication so soon after being hospitalised. So in essence, I just have to put up with it until it burns itself out.
It’s important to remember that it is self-limiting. I’ve been here before and it always gets better. I will have good times again and they will last longer than the bad. I will be happy again and I have many happy memories to support me on the way. I have people in my life who will help me get there and simple though it seems, the recent spate of good weather will do me the world of good.
The negative voice in my head reminds that when I overcome this time of depression, I will earn a period of balance followed by hypomania and then depression. The cycle will repeat for the rest of my life. It sounds demoralising. Thankfully that voice is small. Every last remaining cell in my body strives to be happy. That’s where the real strength lies. Therein lies the future.
