And finally it lifted. The fog has moved on. The beast is sleeping and the black ball is quiet.
As predicted, life has improved. I’m not back to normal yet but I’m so much better than I was. I feel like I have a little energy again. Life has renewed flavour. I’m beginning to learn how to have fun again.
I’ve said before, and reiterate now, that I’m lucky. The length of my periods of depression can be measured in weeks. Some are not so fortunate. Some measure in months, maybe even years.
But that is not to belittle my time spent in the misery of depression. It is energy sapping, it tests my endurance and it tests the people near to me and, in particular, my family.
About two weeks ago I was feeling deflated and frustrated and gave out to my wife that she didn’t talk to me enough. She replied that it was very hard to hold a conversation with me at the moment. You see, I didn’t show interest in any conversations, I hardly smiled and I rarely laughed. My wife wasn’t being cruel. She was just fed up. Just then she was finding it tough too. It’s not much fun being depressed but it’s not much fun being around someone who is depressed either. In her defence, my wife always reminds me that it will improve, it will get better. She is always right and she believes in me even when I have lost all belief in myself.
It has been a very busy time in our house in the last few weeks. My eldest son graduated from Secondary School and is preparing to sit the Leaving Cert. examination. A second son is preparing for the Junior Cert. and my youngest son just made his Confirmation, signalling the end of Primary School. It has been hectic and I found myself with a choice to make. I had a number of social engagements to attend, ceremonies and celebrations. I could decide to enjoy them or chose to just tolerate them.
It is amazing what can be achieved simply by force of will. All of the ceremonies I attended, all of the people I met, nobody would have suspected that I was depressed. I appeared fine. I blended in.
The amazing thing is that we are surrounded by people who suffer with depression and you would never know. People with mental illness become experts at appearing “normal”, at wearing a mask. They save their true feelings for their loved ones, their families and for the times when they are alone. That is the worst part of depression – the loneliness.
But for me, it got easier and the most recent celebration was my son’s confirmation yesterday. It was genuinely enjoyable, it was fun and there was no acting involved. It was the first time that I truly realised that I had shaken off the chains of depression. It was the first time I felt truly alive in a long time.
So I decided to write today to tell you that I was over the worst, that I have survived. I was in hospital not so long ago followed by a period of depression and now that cycle is over. Now I get to savour the good things. Now I can give a little back to my family. Now I get to laugh.
It will come back again but I don’t know when and there is no point in worrying about it. I will take every opportunity to recharge my body and soul in the meantime. I will be ready when I need to be.
Right now is time to be grateful for friends, family and the many gifts life has given me. Right now, life is good.