I’m tired. I’m tired of struggling. I’m tired of wishing life was easier. I’m tired of putting on a brave face.
In the last two weeks my mood has changed again. I’m feeling low yet irritable, agitated and frustrated at the same time. I think I’m in a mixed state. That horrible combination of feeling depressed with concomitant symptoms of hypomania.
I spoke with my psychiatrist during the week and we’ve tweaked my medication. I’m aware of a measurable improvement even after a few days but it will take a few weeks for the full effects. Inevitably, I may start to feel a more pure form of depression. Hopefully, the landing will be gentle. Time will tell.
I feel robbed. I had been doing so well. Since August I have been enthusiastic and energetic. Two months of enjoying life. I was getting used to it. I know that Bipolar Disorder is cyclical in nature but I thought I deserved a longer break. My family deserve a longer break.
I’m trying to keep it together. I’ve been off work this week but in some ways that’s a disadvantage. The distraction of activity can be therapeutic, I find. I’ve arranged to meet my therapist more frequently for a while. The sessions are more difficult when I’m low but they bring relief.
I’ve been trying to exercise in the gym. A few weeks ago my wife suggested that I sign up with a Personal Trainer. It was a good idea. Even when I don’t feel up to it, a fixed appointment motivates me to train when I wouldn’t bother if left to my own devices.
So I’m trying to support myself as best I can. It’s not so bad, I can still function. Everything just requires more effort, more energy and the rewards are smaller. Thankfully my sleep is still pretty good and hopefully it will stay that way. Sleep patterns are my best indicator of a mood swing gone out of control.
As mentioned, when mixed I get irritable. I get angry and, if left unchecked, I get destructive. I’ve put much effort over the years in psychotherapy learning how to deal with anger. I’m still working on it but I can control it better than I used to do. I try to analyse the source and have found that mostly I am angry with myself. At something I am feeling, something I have said or done or of something I’m afraid. By understanding that most of my anger is self-directed, I can channel it and consider what I really want to happen and aim for that instead. It usually works but not always. I frequently need to apologise and mend bridges. Anger in Bipolar Disorder is well described but irrespective of the cause, I am still responsible for it and for taming it. It’s a work in progress.
I listen to a lot of music when I’m not feeling well. I find it soothing. Sometimes I find it emotional and a tune or vocals can touch a raw nerve. It can raise the hairs at the back of my neck. It can move me to tears.
I recently heard a version of “The Sound of Silence” by the band “Disturbed” as played on the Conan Show. You can listen to it here if you are so inclined. It touched me deeply. Somehow it brought me comfort. Someone knows how it feels. Something in the singers voice reminded me of the anguish of depression. The pain that is rarely talked about. Though I think that’s changing and people are less afraid to speak out.
Next week is “Mental Health Week”. Hopefully it will do some good. The key message is that it’s ok not to be ok. Talking helps.