As the year draws to a close and a new one begins, I find myself reflecting on the past and aspiring to the future. My mood has been flat in recent weeks, tending towards depression but thankfully not quite reaching it. I have had a good Christmas but my thoughts are inclined to be negative and I am conscious of this as I write. It is an effort to be balanced.
This year saw me and my family face many challenges. I had two separate, though related, hospital admissions and for this reason, 2016 would seem to be worth forgetting. I was depressed for much of the year but found time to fit in a manic episode as well. I sunk so low that I was ready to throw in the towel. But I’m still here, I survived.
It may sound paradoxical but I am grateful for my health. I know I suffer from bipolar disorder but this is an old foe and I am familiar with the rules of engagement. I’m glad I don’t have any new illness like diabetes , heart disease or cancer. There is a long list of conditions I would consider worse than bipolar disorder. Even more, I am glad that my family are well and in particular, my sons have not shown any signs of mental disturbance. For that I am truly grateful. It is a source of some concern.
My wife is still with me and if anything our relationship is stronger than ever. That is both a small miracle and evidence of the existence of guardian angels. Over the years I have given her ample reason to leave me and yet she remains. Her love and compassion are unerring and sometimes the only things that keep me going. I would be nothing without her.
The year at work has been fairly straightforward. A few patients gave me cause for worry but in the main my days were routine and mundane. I have learned to value the routine days as I become more experienced. As an anaesthetist, I used to relish excitement in my younger days. Now I avoid it like the plague. Thankfully I was in a position to take time off work when unwell and return to it after recuperating. Not everybody with mental illness is so fortunate.
I had some lovely holidays with my family this year. We were skiing and we spent a lovely time in Spain. The memories will serve to support me when things feel hard. I have recently spent time with my family over Christmas and spent a few days with my wife’s family just afterwards. I wasn’t in the best form but nobody asked me to be. I still managed to function and be involved and I had a lovely time. I’m happy that people can accept me just the way I am. I don’t have to act. I can just be.
This is the first year that I have kept a blog. I have been humbled by the number of views that my posts have generated and by the attached messages and comments. It is hard to believe that so many people are in my corner and care about my welfare. Your support means more that you know. I count you all among my friends and wish you a happy and peaceful New Year.
Finally, I started writing this blog in the hope that it might help someone struggling with bipolar disorder. Now I know that it already has. When times get tough, I can read back on these pages to remind me that things always get better. If it helps no one else, at least it helps me and thank you all for joining me on this adventure.
2017 is full of promise. It promises less depression, less hypomania and the enduring love of my family and friends. It promises to give me at least one of my three wishes. After that we’ll just have to wait and see…..I’ll keep you posted.