Posted on

Blessed.

I really am very lucky. I’m not always conscious of this. I forget all too easily. When times are hard it becomes increasingly difficult to remember. But things are good at the moment and it’s important to reflect on my blessings.

Life has been good for the last few weeks. My mood is good and I have energy. I’m enjoying life. Work is easy and I’m sleeping well. I’m euthymic, normal. It’s payback time.

Recently I went on a skiing holiday with my family. It was lovely and we all enjoyed it. The weather was good, the air was crisp and the scenery was stunning. I’m not much of a skier but I stuck to the beginner slopes while my wife and sons attempted the more challenging slopes. But what I enjoyed the most was the time spent with my family. Time spent swapping stories of our experiences during the day on the mountain. Time having long meals together. Time spent laughing. There was no hassle, no depression nor hypomania, no worries. It was life at it’s best. It was fun.

I’ve started meditating more regularly this month. I aim for twenty minutes a day. I’ve dabbled with meditation before but I got lazy. My practice dwindled. Now I’m focussing on it again and giving it more attention. I enrolled in a five week introductory course, once a week for a few hours and I find it very helpful. I look forward to meditating every day. For a short while I can calm my mind and tune in to how I’m feeling. Immediately afterwards I fell more focussed and relaxed for a while. The experts assure me that with regular sessions, that same feeling of serenity will persist for longer during the day. It’s worth a try and it can’t hurt. Let’s see if I can keep it up when I’m not feeling so stable. That will be the real test.

I don’t mean to be pessimistic but it won’t last. It never does. That’s my reality. That is why this time is so special, why it tastes so sweet. It’s been a rough twelve months and it is wonderful to wake up happy, without a care in the world. Maybe it’s a blessing to have bipolar disorder. Living through tough times allows you to appreciate when it’s good. Maybe you can’t understand the highs until you’ve been low.

I find myself checking my mood every now and then. Am I too happy? Am I getting hypomanic? It’s a natural fear but I think that right now I’m just balanced. It’s normal to be content some of the time.

Either way, I’m very grateful for what I’ve got and I’m going to make hay while the sun shines!

 

Posted on

Hanging in. 

The new year didn’t start out as I had hoped. A lingering sense of lethargy and disinterest prevailed. I don’t think I was clinically depressed though at times I was close to it. I just had no energy, no joy in life. My wife calls it “flat” and that’s a very good description. Life just felt harder than it needed to be. 

Earlier in the month, I took a few days off work. I felt guilty about it and agonised before making the decision. Part of me believed I was malingering, dossing but the sense of relief when I knew I had a few free days was wonderful. 

It is suggested that you should keep active when depressed. You ought to keep on going to work, try to socialise, try to exercise, try to live. I think this is good advice but I also recognise that there are times when I feel overwhelmed and I need to take a step back from the world. It doesn’t happen too often. It’s about recognising the need to relieve the pressure. It’s about taking care of myself. It’s about being kind. 

In my case, the few days of freedom did me good. I was refreshed afterwards. I regained a little energy. The associated guilt passed. Now I’m glad I did it. 

Recently, I was talking to my sister about my mood for the last while and she made the point that most people feel a bit down in January. The “January blues” are a real thing. Maybe this time of year is depressing for people and even more so for those with bipolar disorder. But I don’t believe that fully explains my mood. When I look back over my blog, I can see that my mood has been low since before Christmas. Depression differs from the “blues” in severity and duration. However, it does seem to be worse in the winter months, a feature that is well described. 

A few weeks ago, when at my lowest, I contacted my psychiatrist and we agreed a tweak in my medication. It’s taken a few weeks to take effect but I am noticing a difference in the last few days. The days have been a bit brighter too and maybe that helps. I continue to see my therapist and that supports me through the tough times though it can be a difficult process. In my opinion, if you find psychotherapy easy, you’re not doing it right. 

I’ve also noticed that I feel better when I get up early in the morning. On days I have no work, I have a tendency to rest in bed until 11 a.m. or later. I get up feeling anxious and maudlin and it takes hours before I feel human again. My head is clearer when I rise earlier. It’s a small observation but a simple habit to start. I simply need to set an alarm. 

As I said, I’m feeling better the last few days. Hopefully it will continue to improve and soon I will be in a “normal” place where life is easier and fun. 

I have a lot to look forward to this year. In a fortnight my family will go skiing. It’s always an enjoyable holiday and I invariably find it invigorating.

Things always get better. I just need to hang in there.