I really am very lucky. I’m not always conscious of this. I forget all too easily. When times are hard it becomes increasingly difficult to remember. But things are good at the moment and it’s important to reflect on my blessings.
Life has been good for the last few weeks. My mood is good and I have energy. I’m enjoying life. Work is easy and I’m sleeping well. I’m euthymic, normal. It’s payback time.
Recently I went on a skiing holiday with my family. It was lovely and we all enjoyed it. The weather was good, the air was crisp and the scenery was stunning. I’m not much of a skier but I stuck to the beginner slopes while my wife and sons attempted the more challenging slopes. But what I enjoyed the most was the time spent with my family. Time spent swapping stories of our experiences during the day on the mountain. Time having long meals together. Time spent laughing. There was no hassle, no depression nor hypomania, no worries. It was life at it’s best. It was fun.
I’ve started meditating more regularly this month. I aim for twenty minutes a day. I’ve dabbled with meditation before but I got lazy. My practice dwindled. Now I’m focussing on it again and giving it more attention. I enrolled in a five week introductory course, once a week for a few hours and I find it very helpful. I look forward to meditating every day. For a short while I can calm my mind and tune in to how I’m feeling. Immediately afterwards I fell more focussed and relaxed for a while. The experts assure me that with regular sessions, that same feeling of serenity will persist for longer during the day. It’s worth a try and it can’t hurt. Let’s see if I can keep it up when I’m not feeling so stable. That will be the real test.
I don’t mean to be pessimistic but it won’t last. It never does. That’s my reality. That is why this time is so special, why it tastes so sweet. It’s been a rough twelve months and it is wonderful to wake up happy, without a care in the world. Maybe it’s a blessing to have bipolar disorder. Living through tough times allows you to appreciate when it’s good. Maybe you can’t understand the highs until you’ve been low.
I find myself checking my mood every now and then. Am I too happy? Am I getting hypomanic? It’s a natural fear but I think that right now I’m just balanced. It’s normal to be content some of the time.
Either way, I’m very grateful for what I’ve got and I’m going to make hay while the sun shines!
