I suppose it shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise but my mood has finally turned a little sour. For the past two weeks I have been in a mixed state, dysphoric. I’m not sleeping well. For example I slept for three hours last night but I don’t even feel tired today. I couldn’t nap even if I wanted. I’m full of nervous energy. But it is a negative energy. My thoughts are dark and brooding and I’m irritable and restless. The truth is that I’m cranky and easy to annoy. I can get angry in seconds. Unchecked my mixed state can be destructive as I’ve mentioned before. The trick is to rein it in early.
I shouldn’t really complain too much. I’m not too bad. I can function normally, I just feel a bit miserable. I’ve been much worse before and severe depression is much more difficult to manage and to endure. Dysphoria is easy by comparison.
I guess I’m just disappointed that my mood dipped. No, that’s not true. I’m disgusted that my mood slipped into dysphoria. I had the best part of three months where I felt better than I had done for years. I had three months of euthymia, normality and balanced mood. I had three months where life felt easy and I was coasting. And in reality, I hoped it would never end.
I have no right nor reason to expect that my mood would stay good indefinitely. The past fourteen years have thought me that I have several mood swings a year. Why should this year be any different? In short, it isn’t. I’ve had a good patch and now it’s over. It’s time to get busy livin’ or get busy dyin’.
Like I say, I shouldn’t complain. I’ve been to see my psychiatrist already and we agreed a few changes to my medication. With any luck we will catch this mood swing early and prevent it from getting too serious. Hopefully the landing will be soft. My mixed states are almost always followed by a pure depressive phase. Hopefully it won’t be too bad but only time will tell.
In the meantime I try to do all the things that will support me through this rough patch. I’m going to work and managing fine. I try to go to the gym at least once a week. I try to socialise by visiting family and friends during the week. I’m still meditating every day and I believe that it helps. I continue to see my therapist. I’m trying to do all the right things. Sometimes it’s hard but I must avoid isolating and becoming melancholic.
I don’t know what’s going to happen over the next few weeks but I hope I get back to where I was. Where life was easy and I felt free. Nothing lasts forever, neither good mood nor bad. If I wait long enough my mood will turn again…hopefully for the better.
