I haven’t been too bad lately. This time of the year can be difficult for me. The onset of long winter evenings and going to work in the dark can trigger depression. I’ve noticed a tendency to feel a bit low lately but it’s not bad. I can function normally. Only my family would be aware of the dip in my mood. But it’s not bad. I’ve been much worse.
Sometimes I get afraid. I think that any change in my mood heralds a new swing or cycle of bipolar disorder. But that is not the case. These low moods don’t always persist and can be related to the circumstances wherein I find myself. Let me explain.
I work three days a week. I have two days to myself during the week and most of my weekends are free. Recently, I have been in good mood while I’m at work but it is a different story when I’m at home on my own. I can find my days alone very long and difficult.
It’s not that I get bored as I try to fill my spare time with activity. Since October I have been taking flute lessons and I practice a few times a day. I think I’m improving and it gives me something to do to pass the time. I’m involved with the Buddhist Centre regularly and this provides a valuable focus as well as an opportunity to socialise. It the last few weeks I’ve borrowed my son’s playstation and I play games sometimes when I’ve nothing else to do. And of course there is always my favourite pastime, listening to music, sometimes while read a book.
But despite trying to fill my free time I often get maudlin. By the end of a day on my own, my thoughts become quite depressive and even paranoid. I start to think of all manner of catastrophes befalling the members of my family. I become paranoid that my wife is going to leave me. My mind entertains the possibility that getting drunk will help me to feel better. Mind you, it never worked in the past. It can be quite upsetting.
I brought the subject up with my psychotherapist during our last session together. I had given how I was behaving much thought and I suggested to him that I was getting lonely. I suggested that I wasn’t good at managing my own company and asked for his advice. He agreed with me that loneliness seemed to be a major contributor to how I was feeling and we started to examine the origins of the loneliness. It was a very difficult session. Suffice it to say that we revisited childhood traumas to elucidate the root of the problem. I’m glad we made a start on the process but I feel that a lot more work is necessary. My therapy sessions for the next while will be difficult.
I’m no stranger to loneliness. Anybody who suffers with a psychiatric disorder is familiar with the feeling. Indeed many people who are perfectly healthy suffer with it. I invariably get lonely when I am very depressed. Although friends and family can try to reassure me, the depths of depression is a solitary place. But it seems that I get lonely even when my mood is stable and I’m going to try and rectify this. The feeling of loneliness in severe depression has a biological basis and responds to medication. But the loneliness I’m focussing on today is more psychological. There is no pill to cure it. I must first alter my thinking and my habits. The answer lies in psychotherapy.
I’m feeling okay today. I was upset after my therapy session but the discomfort has lifted. It’s mild outside and I must do something useful with the day. Sometimes the best solution is right under my nose. I always feel better when I spend a little time with my wife. That’s just what I’m going to do.