I haven’t posted in my blog in a year. I didn’t realise it had been so long. I neglected it. I lost interest in it. I had other things on my mind.
A lot happens in twelve months. For one, you get older. And hopefully a little wiser. I got to see a bit of the world. I was in New York early in the year and Croatia in the summer. Both were interesting trips but there was a cloud hanging over them.
You see, my mood was low for most of the year. It was at it’s worst in the autumn and I was very low for the month of November. Most of the time it was manageable and I functioned well. I didn’t take time off work but I lost all interest in my usual activities.
I’m getting very little exercise and I haven’t meditated for months. I can’t remember the last time I was out on my bike. Everything feels like an effort.
But it’s not all bad. I had a good Christmas and I feel a bit more optimistic for the new year. I picked up my golf clubs recently after a hiatus of 15 years. I don’t get out to play much but it is an activity, an interest I can cultivate. I will hopefully play more when the weather improves. It will get me out of the house and offer the opportunity to meet new people.
My wife has seen me through it all. Sometimes I think she tires of me and my moods but I know I can count on her. Friends of mine that I have made through Buddhism are a great source of support. I have learned through meeting them that everybody has to deal with problems in life frequently. I’m not the only one by a long way. I’m sure I have mentioned before that one of the more demoralising aspects of depression is the sense of loneliness. The companionship of my wife and friends helps me combat against it.
But I need to get more proactive about supporting myself. In the New Year I need to start exercising more. Not just to get fit or to lose weight, although this would be welcome, but to help my head. I need to start meditating again and making time for classes in the Buddhist Centre. It helped my mood before and I need to try again.
I’ve considered returning to see my therapist but I’m not sure. My psychiatrist has also suggested it. Maybe therein lies the answer. I’ll give it some thought.
But the good news is that I’m still here. It has been difficult but I survived. Of course there were moments when I was happy but unfortunately they were short lived.
In 2019, I didn’t get admitted to hospital. That’s always a cause for celebration. It was a year with little to celebrate. Mostly I would rather forget it. 2020 can only be better.