Release for good behaviour.

It’s Paddy”s weekend. I’ve been in hospital nearly three weeks. I’m on the mend. Progress is slow. It always is.

I’ve been released home for three days. It’s the maximum allowed. It’s good to be home. I’m grateful. Maybe I will sleep a little better in my own bed. Last night I got three hours sleep. I had a shower at 4 o’clock. The day stretches. I’m reminded of the Billy Joel song “Goodnight Saigon” – the nights seemed to last as long as six weeks…

Hospital is what you make of it. For me it is a place of hope. I typically feel better within a few weeks of an admission. I just have to accept that I need help and allow the professionals to do their job. I’ve started seeing my psychotherapist again too. That’s tough going but it is for the best. I tend to keep to myself in St. Pat’s. I’m a good judge of the audience. Stick with the winners and keep your head down.

As I write this I am aware that it sounds like a prison. In many ways it is. There is a hidden curriculum, rules to obey. The coffee is shite! But when you are rehabilitated you get to leave. Just like I am now. Sitting at home, listening to music and typing my thoughts.

I don’t have any great plans for the weekend. I’ve already been into town. I bought an ear ring. Yes, I got my ear pierced. Twice. On impulse but I really like them. I’m turning into a hippy. I had to wait until I was 53 years old to pierce my ear. An old dog.

Obviously enough, I haven’t been working. I miss the teaching. I don’t miss the Anaesthesia. The long hours and the stress. The uncertainty. I haven’t been missed either. People just get on with their lives. I’m replaceable. So are you. I was burnt out. Retiring from clinical practice was the best thing I ever did.

And yet, here I am a few months later and back I n hospital again. I used to think that the stress of work triggered my mood disturbance but now I see that it only made it unmanageable. The mood swings keep coming. They are a part of my life and what matters is how I deal with them.

I am optimistic that I will be discharged from hospital in a few weeks. Then starts the process of recovery. But I don’t mind. I’m looking forward to it. I’m not alone. I have my family and friends. I have my faith in the Buddha. The summer is coming. Let the good times roll…