Looking back, it was clear that I had the signs of Bipolar Disorder long before I was diagnosed.
I started Medical School in University College Cork (UCC) in 1988 at the age of seventeen. It was new and exciting and full of promise. I settled in quickly and made new friends, some I still keep in contact with today. UCC is also where I would begin to drink heavily. That was going to become a problem in later years.
I had long periods of balance and calm in my student life but it would become punctuated with episodes where my mood was more volatile. On one hand, I could be the life and soul of the party. Energetic, hyperactive and full of fun. On the other, there were times when I would curl up in a ball in my flat and avoid all human contact for weeks on end. I would miss college and drink as often as I could afford. That wasn’t too often but then, I wasn’t able to hold my drink anyway. Frequently, I would be carried home on the shoulder of a friend. And then life would settle down again and everything would feel normal. I always pulled myself together and would study furiously before exams. I usually did well.
Medical school lasted six years. The tempestuous mood swings occurred more often and it became increasingly difficult to keep up. I was depressed for most of my final year but managed to pass my exit exams. However, my results didn’t reflect what I think I was capable of and I was disappointed for a long time afterwards. But I survived and now I had my medical degree. I was still a long way from being a doctor but I was headed in the right direction.
I don’t know what kept me going through those early years. I really wanted to be a doctor and maybe my ambition spurred me on. Maybe, I was more resilient than I remember or maybe the mood swings weren’t as severe as they would manifest later. I definitely drank too much and I believe I used it as a form of self-medication.
I’m eternally grateful to the friends I had in college. They tolerated me, they forgave the erratic moods and focussed on the better parts of my personality. They kept me company, supported me and sometimes literally carried me. I am forever in their debt.