Brighter days.

I’m glad to say that my mood has improved. If anything I’ve been a bit high. I’m finding it hard to get to sleep at night and I’m up early in the morning. But it is manageable. I’m taking a little extra medication and I’m functioning well. I fell a bit restless but I’m not irritable. I’m minding myself.

I’ve bought a new car. A Tesla. It will be delivered next week. Spending money is a sign of my hypomania and explains why I change my car so frequently. It’s not a big deal but I am excited about it and looking forward to collecting it.

We are skiing in France at the moment. It’s lovely. The scenery is beautiful and skiing conditions are good. I haven’t actually done any skiing yet. I’m not much good and I’ve chosen to lounge about the chalet and amble about town. It’s very relaxing and I’m really recharging the batteries. It’s a welcome break from work.

I have a few things on my mind.

One of my son’s was diagnosed with depression last year. It has been slow progress and he is still struggling. It’s hard to watch. He is taking medication and seeing a psychiatrist. He sees a psychotherapist and our family is doing everything we can to support him. But it is hard going and sometimes upsetting. I know he will get better. I trust in that but it is going to take time.

I feel guilty that I am partly to blame. I wonder is it because of my genes that my son suffers? Is this the beginning of bipolar disorder? The only consolation is knowing that we are doing everything we can for him. We are giving him every chance for a speedy recovery. At least I understand what he is going through. There have been many tears and very few smiles. I wait for the day when that is reversed.

In recent weeks we have begun a fostering process of a teenage boy. He is a friend of my youngest son and he had been spending a lot of time in our house. It transpired that his home circumstances were desperate and he was being neglected. After discussing it with the family, we offered to foster him and now he is living with us.

The assessment of our suitability to foster is ongoing. It involves numerous meetings with social workers and detailed and probing discussions. But in the end it will be worth it. It’s a good thing to do and we can offer this young man a much better life. Hopefully it works out.

There are a few challenges facing us at the moment but my family are addressing them and we are strong. We will survive this. Since my mood has been elated recently, I can expect an episode of depression in the near future. We will survive that too. And in the future we will look back at this time and realise it was just another hurdle in life we had to overcome. We will not only survive, we will thrive as well.

Troubled times…

I haven’t posted in my blog in a year. I didn’t realise it had been so long. I neglected it. I lost interest in it. I had other things on my mind.

A lot happens in twelve months. For one, you get older. And hopefully a little wiser. I got to see a bit of the world. I was in New York early in the year and Croatia in the summer. Both were interesting trips but there was a cloud hanging over them.

You see, my mood was low for most of the year. It was at it’s worst in the autumn and I was very low for the month of November. Most of the time it was manageable and I functioned well. I didn’t take time off work but I lost all interest in my usual activities.

I’m getting very little exercise and I haven’t meditated for months. I can’t remember the last time I was out on my bike. Everything feels like an effort.

But it’s not all bad. I had a good Christmas and I feel a bit more optimistic for the new year. I picked up my golf clubs recently after a hiatus of 15 years. I don’t get out to play much but it is an activity, an interest I can cultivate. I will hopefully play more when the weather improves. It will get me out of the house and offer the opportunity to meet new people.

My wife has seen me through it all. Sometimes I think she tires of me and my moods but I know I can count on her. Friends of mine that I have made through Buddhism are a great source of support. I have learned through meeting them that everybody has to deal with problems in life frequently. I’m not the only one by a long way. I’m sure I have mentioned before that one of the more demoralising aspects of depression is the sense of loneliness. The companionship of my wife and friends helps me combat against it.

But I need to get more proactive about supporting myself. In the New Year I need to start exercising more. Not just to get fit or to lose weight, although this would be welcome, but to help my head. I need to start meditating again and making time for classes in the Buddhist Centre. It helped my mood before and I need to try again.

I’ve considered returning to see my therapist but I’m not sure. My psychiatrist has also suggested it. Maybe therein lies the answer. I’ll give it some thought.

But the good news is that I’m still here. It has been difficult but I survived. Of course there were moments when I was happy but unfortunately they were short lived.

In 2019, I didn’t get admitted to hospital. That’s always a cause for celebration. It was a year with little to celebrate. Mostly I would rather forget it. 2020 can only be better.

Earning a crust.

I haven’t posted for a few months. I’ve been busy. I also had a technical issue with the site that I have only just resolved. So I’ve been off the grid for a while.

Things have been good. Christmas was spent in the happy company of family and friends and passed without incident. I was a little bit high which is not unusual for that time of the year but it was very manageable. Being aware of it was half the battle. My medications were increased slightly and it all settled down quickly and I’m back on an even keel again. I feel good, I feel content and it has been a good start to the new year.

This time of year always causes me to reflect on my blessings. A degree of gratitude helps sustain me and face the difficult times ahead. Chief among assets is my family. Thankfully they are all well, happy and dealing with the vicissitudes of life. They bring me constant joy and are an unerring source of support. We live in a lovely home and we have no financial worries. As a bonus, I have a job that I enjoy.

And that is what is on my mind today. I read somewhere that 50% of people with a psychiatric illness are unemployed. It seemed like a very high figure to me. And what are the reasons for it?

Undoubtedly, some individuals with mental illness are so severely affected that they are not able to work. That is a sobering reality and it saddens me to think of someone who suffers that much. Some people must face discrimination because of their illness but I like to think that this is becoming less frequent. And I have to feel that some people just don’t have the necessary support.

It got me to wondering about my own employment history. My first episode of mania was as an Intern at the age of twenty four. I became convinced that the IRA were sending me coded messages over the radio. I was very unwell and ended up in a psychiatric ward. After that episode I was off work for nearly a year and was advised to “go to England” to continue my career. This was my first experience of stigma and so much would be different if I heeded the advice.

But I stuck to my guns and eventually restarted my career in an Irish hospital. In 1998 I began training in Anaesthesia and I’m still a practicing Anaesthetist today. My working life has been punctuated by periods of ill health since then but I have always managed to resume employment once well again.

Why is that the case when so many others are unemployed?

Is my bipolar disorder not as severe as the next patients? Well, I would question that. I’ve had my moments. But thankfully I have had extended periods of stability and doubtless that is a factor.

But more important, in my estimation, is the level of support I have had over the years that made all the difference. My wife, who is immensely strong, has been by my side all the way. I have a wonderful relationship with my psychiatrist without whom I would still be struggling. Years of psychotherapy played a part (I recently parted company with my therapist by mutual agreement and I’m doing fine without the extra help he gave me). The surgeons I work with were patient when I was absent and the hospital gave me the space I needed to heal. It is the blessing of all this support that I think about and for which I am grateful.

So I think it is a combination of things that keeps me working. But it is the love of my family and friends that makes the biggest difference.

Of course you need something else. You need to be resilient. You have to get back up when you’ve been knocked down. Sometimes I have a cry and then I try again. It gets better with time. Sometimes you need a sense of humour. Sometimes you need to be able to say…….fuck ’em if they can’t take a joke!

Self-Compassion.

i’ve been well. I’ve been well for a long time now and I’m getting used to it. I’ve been working longer hours lately and I find that my mood is low at the end of a punishing week. I feel drained and i want to withdraw from the world. But this is not depression. It’s simply fatigue and everybody suffers from it. The cure is easy; rest and recharge the batteries. And once I’ve rested, I begin to feel more alive. Like I say, I’ve been well.

The challenge then is to maintain that sense of well-being. I’ve listed previously the various methods I use to stabilise my mental health. I don’t want to bore you with them again but I do want to mention something that I realised recently. To hold on to this feeling of wellness I must develop a sense of self-compassion.

As a Buddhist, I am encouraged to meditate every day. I don’t achieve anywhere near this but I do my best. One of the practices is called the Metta Bhavana which means “The development of loving kindness”. It’s a really lovely idea and during the meditation there are five stages. In the first stage you generate loving kindness for yourself, then for a good friend in stage two, a person neutral to you in stage three and for stage four you must think kindly of a difficult person. In the fifth stage you develop kindness for all four individuals equally and expand to include all people you care about and ultimately all living beings.

I have been meditating in this way for nearly two years and I have noticed an interesting benefit only recently. When I began, I found it very difficult to practice stage one and generate loving kindness towards myself. Part of the meditation involves repeating the following phrases to yourself: may I be well, may I be happy, may I be free from suffering, may I grow and develop. I felt very uncomfortable reciting this to myself. What right did I have to be happy? Why should I be well and free of suffering? I didn’t feel worthy. In essence, I didn’t really like myself.

And this lack of self-esteem infected other areas of my life. I didn’t feel worthy of my wife. I never felt good enough for her. I thought of myself as a burden and I carry a great weight of guilt over the many difficulties I have visited upon her and my family.

But in recent months this has changed. The first stage of the Metta Bhavana sits more easily on my shoulders now. I can meditate in comfort. I have learned self-compassion and I am beginning to value myself. There is a small flame of self-love burning within and I am coaxing it to grow all the time.

Not so long ago I was at a dinner dance with my wife. She looked truly beautiful and we had a great night. We even got the chance to dance together and that was a bonus. I met many of her friends and enjoyed their company. I am very fond of a few of them and it was lovely to see them. When I woke the next, as I reflected on the evening, it dawned on me that not only am I fond of them but they are fond of me too. They like me too. It was quite a revelation.

So if you are reading this and you suffer from mental illness, go easy on yourself. You are worthy of more than you believe. You are not a burden. You are loved by others and you deserve to love yourself. It is very hard to maintain stability without self-compassion. Take it from someone who has only learned the lesson recently.

I’ve always loved my wife. Only now do I know that I deserve her and she deserves me. We are a unit and we couldn’t have come to this point in life without each other. Undoubtedly, there are times when she carries me but sometimes, just sometimes, I carry her too.

Amnesia.

I forget so easily. When I’m depressed I forget that I have people who care about me. I forget to smile. I forget that it will come to an end.

Depression is an isolating illness. It is lonely and miserable. Amnesia sets in. I become so engrossed in the struggle to keep my head above water that I ignore all the good things in my life. They haven’t gone away, I just can’t see them anymore. Life goes out of focus and everything looks negative.

I read an interesting article recently on how to manage negative thoughts. The author asserted that, in origin, thoughts are neither positive nor negative and it is only the value we add to them after they occur that colours our perception. A whole system of psychotherapy, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy or CBT has been developed with this in mind. CBT is deemed to be very useful in the management of depression. In essence, if I can persuade myself to be more positive about my thoughts I can expect to feel better and this in turn will reflect in my behaviour. Unfortunately it is easier said than done.

I’ve dappled in CBT over the years but it has never been the primary aim of my therapy. I differentiate depression into mild, moderate and severe. During mild depression I can function well. With moderate depression it is difficult to maintain normal daily activities and when severely depressed I have no option but to withdraw from the world. Work and social engagements become impossible.

When I am mildly depressed, I can expect to have some clarity of thought. I can expect to be able to logically recognise when my thinking is unhelpful and guide it in a more positive direction. Alternatively, I can distract myself and disrupt the “stinking thinking”. This is not true of moderate or severe depression. My thoughts become progressively darker and even paranoid in a cycle that is near impossible to interrupt. I imagine all sorts of catastrophes befalling my family and to a lesser extent myself. I ruminate and amplify the disaster stories until I believe that they are definitely bound to occur. It is very distressing and I’m not sure that CBT has anything to offer when I’m feeling so low.

But the good news is that the depression I wrote about in my last post has lifted. I’ve been feeling good for the last fortnight. I’ve been feeling grateful. Forgotten is the pain and misery. A new amnesia unfolds. Behind me are the dark days and a new appreciation of all I have develops. Life is easy again. The sun feels warm and I revel in the wind on my arms as I cycle. I can smell the scent of my wife’s hair again. I’ve started to remember how to laugh.

I haven’t found the solution to my mood swings. I try to manage them simply. I take my medication, I try to exercise and I try to meditate daily. Meditation has had a dramatic effect on me. For thirty minutes a day I find peace. My body relaxes and the black ball in the pit of my stomach gets lighter and easier to carry. I like to think that, thanks to meditation, I am more in tune with my body during the day and more aware of its needs. If nothing else, it’s certainly doing no harm.

I muddle through my periods of depression. Sometimes the best therapy to hand is to tell my wife that I’m feeling like shit. That simple admission brings forgiveness and permission. Forgiveness for not wanting to talk. Acceptance that I will be cranky and ill-tempered. Permission to wallow on the couch for hours on end listening to music. She sometimes enquires if there is anything she can do and I simply ask her to reassure me that it will be alright. Then she smiles and hugs me. Sometimes I cry. But that’s okay, I have permission for that as well.

From a certain perspective, depression is a blessing. It brings me down only to allow me rise above it again. In rising I get the opportunity to see the wonderful gifts bestowed on me by life. Only due to the lows do I appreciate the highs. But it is short lived. I soon take things for granted and forget the excitement of feeling well again. It’s just as well. If I continued to marvel at all around me I would be hypomanic in no time.

Just when everything seems banal, depression will return to level the playing field. It’s a predictable visitor. If only I could remember that is will undoubtedly come to an end and reveal that wonderful enthusiastic feeling when it passes. Depression is the cost of experiencing true gratitude and contentment. It’s a heavy price but I think it’s one I’m willing to pay.

Unexpected moods.

I haven’t posted in a long while. I’m out of practise. The year started well. Life was going smoothly. I was enthusiastic and energetic. Life was good. My mood was balanced. I had no complaints.

I was still minding myself. My medication prescription was the same for months, a sign of stability. I was meditating almost daily and visiting the Buddhist Centre regularly. I have a number of new friends that I met there and we meet up for coffee and a chat frequently. This social outlet has proven very important to me.

I’ve stopped seeing my therapist. We mutually agreed that I was no longer getting any benefit from our sessions. All the work had been done for now. I can return to him at any stage but breaking contact with him was an indicator of how well I was doing.

I’ve been working more lately. The extra income is welcome but I have to be careful not to overdo it. At times I have been very tired and I have to wonder what effect that is having on my mood. I try to get out on my bike for a bit of exercise but in truth, I haven’t been out as much as I should.

In the last month, things have been tough. At the start of May I started to feel down. It was unexpected. The days were getting brighter and longer and typically I would feel hypomanic at this time of the year. It wasn’t bad. Life was just a little bit of a struggle. The exception was when I was alone on a day off work. My mood sinks quite low when I’m inactive. The solution was simple. to get up and do something improved how I was feeling.

I think a certain amount of this is psychological. I’ve written about loneliness before and it is a real problem for me. But there is a certain amount of biological depression there too. My sleep is disturbed, I’m waking up early and tired. My appetite is reduced and I have little interest in daily activities.

It has become worse in the last week or so. My head is heavy and I’m isolating myself. I hardly talk to my wife and I’m irritable all the time. Irritability can be associated with depression but it can also be a sign of a mixed state. I don’t think I’m mixed at the moment but I’m monitoring myself for racing thoughts and signs of elation.

I get a sense of tension and aching in my stomach when I’m depressed. I call it “The Black Ball”. It holds a life time of anger and fear, guilt and shame. Sometimes I’m very aware of it. Sometimes it unbearable.

Yesterday was on of those times. I felt really low so I drank a glass of wine and then a second. I must admit that I felt better but there is no lasting relief. I know that alcohol will only make things worse and yet I drank. Luckily I stopped before I caused any lasting damage. The last time I drank was two years ago just before I attempted suicide. My wife was very worried when she found me drinking and understandably so. It was very selfish of me.

Two Irish Anaesthetist’s have committed suicide recently and people are rightly shocked and upset. It isn’t hard to change thoughts of committing suicide into action. All you need is the belief that life would be better without you and a bottle of wine. It’s all too easy.

Today is another day. The black ball is there but it’s bearable. The sun is out and my wife is just home from work. Maybe I will go for a cycle later. I won’t drink today. I don’t know about tomorrow but I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. Alcohol will only make things worse. It’s not worth the risk.

With a little patience, I can get through this episode. Life will improve. It always does. Sometimes I have to fight back but it’s a battle I’ve won before.

This too will pass…….

Spring in my step.

Life is good. I was a bit down in the dumps towards the end of last year. I was mildly depressed. It wasn’t enough to prevent me from functioning but it was draining. It was demoralising. But I had a visit with my psychiatrist and we adjusted my medication. Within a few weeks I was feeling better and I’ve been reaping the benefits since.

I enjoyed Christmas. It was spent with family and relatives and it went well. There were no dramas. It’s an unusual time of the year for me as I know it is for a lot of people. I have very happy memories of Christmas with my wife and sons but some less pleasant ones from childhood. It’s easy to get distracted by the past but probably best not to study it too closely. At least not without the guiding hand of a therapist. But despite the occasional sorrowful thought, the holiday was a happy occasion.

Since the New Year I’ve had a new lease of life. I feel alive and have a spring in my step. Work has been seamless and my home life has been easy. There is no hassle. I’m taking care of myself. I continue to meditate and I exercise regularly. I am sleeping well and I’m careful to maintain a steady pattern. I continue to meet with my therapist and I’ll be checking in with my psychiatrist next month. All these things contribute to my stability and require a little effort. But it’s worth it. I’m enjoying myself.

I’ve been getting out on the bike a bit more lately. It’s a great past time. This week, I signed up to do a cycle from Dublin to Galway and back over a weekend in April. My wife is already committed to it and we hope to do it together. So I’m in training. I don’t know if I will be ready in time but I’m going to try. It gives me something to focus on. A goal to achieve. I’ll let you know how it goes in future posts.

I had a flute lesson today. It went well. I think I’m progressing. I can play a few tunes now. It gives me something to do. It’s a bit of fun and everybody needs a little of that.

I keep a journal on my phone and recently I’ve been reviewing past entries. It’s two years since I was last so ill that I was admitted to hospital. My entries from that time make for sobering reading. It’s hard to remember that I was that upset, that miserable and that afraid. There was so much fear.

It upset me a little reading them. I could recall some of how I felt when I wrote them. I also started to feel guilty. I felt guilty for things I had said and done while sick that had upset my family. But mostly I felt grateful. Grateful that those days were behind me.

I have had bipolar disorder most of my adult life. It has brought me to dizzying highs and dragged me down to devastating lows. But with the help of my family and friends I have survived and at times found neutral ground where life is just normal. That’s where I am today and that’s where I want to stay.

Loneliness.

I haven’t been too bad lately. This time of the year can be difficult for me. The onset of long winter evenings and going to work in the dark can trigger depression. I’ve noticed a tendency to feel a bit low lately but it’s not bad. I can function normally. Only my family would be aware of the dip in my mood. But it’s not bad. I’ve been much worse.

Sometimes I get afraid. I think that any change in my mood heralds a new swing or cycle of bipolar disorder. But that is not the case. These low moods don’t always persist and can be related to the circumstances wherein I find myself. Let me explain.

I work three days a week. I have two days to myself during the week and most of my weekends are free. Recently, I have been in good mood while I’m at work but it is a different story when I’m at home on my own. I can find my days alone very long and difficult.

It’s not that I get bored as I try to fill my spare time with activity. Since October I have been taking flute lessons and I practice a few times a day. I think I’m improving and it gives me something to do to pass the time. I’m involved with the Buddhist Centre regularly and this provides a valuable focus as well as an opportunity to socialise. It the last few weeks I’ve borrowed my son’s playstation and I play games sometimes when I’ve nothing else to do. And of course there is always my favourite pastime, listening to music, sometimes while read a book.

But despite trying to fill my free time I often get maudlin. By the end of a day on my own, my thoughts become quite depressive and even paranoid. I start to think of all manner of catastrophes befalling the members of my family. I become paranoid that my wife is going to leave me. My mind entertains the possibility that getting drunk will help me to feel better. Mind you, it never worked in the past. It can be quite upsetting.

I brought the subject up with my psychotherapist during our last session together. I had given how I was behaving much thought and I suggested to him that I was getting lonely. I suggested that I wasn’t good at managing my own company and asked for his advice. He agreed with me that loneliness seemed to be a major contributor to how I was feeling and we started to examine the origins of the loneliness. It was a very difficult session. Suffice it to say that we revisited childhood traumas to elucidate the root of the problem. I’m glad we made a start on the process but I feel that a lot more work is necessary. My therapy sessions for the next while will be difficult.

I’m no stranger to loneliness. Anybody who suffers with a psychiatric disorder is familiar with the feeling. Indeed many people who are perfectly healthy suffer with it. I invariably get lonely when I am very depressed. Although friends and family can try to reassure me, the depths of depression is a solitary place. But it seems that I get lonely even when my mood is stable and I’m going to try and rectify this. The feeling of loneliness in severe depression has a biological basis and responds to medication. But the loneliness I’m focussing on today is more psychological. There is no pill to cure it. I must first alter my thinking and my habits. The answer lies in psychotherapy.

I’m feeling okay today. I was upset after my therapy session but the discomfort has lifted. It’s mild outside and I must do something useful with the day. Sometimes the best solution is right under my nose. I always feel better when I spend a little time with my wife. That’s just what I’m going to do.

 

Compliance. 

The days are flying by. It’s a good sign. My mood has been good. I’ve had a few days where I felt browned off but nothing serious. It didn’t last. It’s important to be able to distinguish between normal changes in mood from the pathological. It’s only when the changes persist that it becomes problematic. 

So things are good. I’ve had a long stretch of feeling well. Paradoxically, it can be a dangerous time. Doubt sets in. Do I have bipolar disorder anymore? Do I need to take my medication at all?

These may seem like ridiculous questions but the mind can play funny tricks on you when you’re feeling good. These doubts also arise in the early stages of hypomania when I feel energetic and full of adrenaline. It’s an addictive state. I don’t want it to end. But there is always a crash after a few weeks and the elation never lasts. The aftermath is never worth it. 

I have never stopped taking my medication. I accept that bipolar disorder is for life. Sometimes that is a bitter pill to swallow. But nonetheless, it is better to make peace with the fact that bipolar disorder is forever rather than fool myself that it will somehow resolve. 

I have seen the results of non-compliance over the years. On every admission to hospital I have met at least one patient who has become unstable and deteriorated because they stopped taking their tablets. They have the unenviable task of starting again from the beginning in an effort to regain stability. It seems like such a waste of time and unnecessary pain. 

I understand why some people do it. I can understand the appeal. Feeling good can be seductive. It’s easy to hope it will never end. But experience has taught me that another mood swing is just around the corner. But I know that medication will reduce the frequency and severity of these events. 

When I have prolonged periods of balanced mood, my psychiatrist will slightly reduce some of my medication but never do I stop completely. Usually, they will just be increased again next time I become unstable. My treatment is tailored to my needs but it is never ceased. 

Taking tablets is part of my daily life. Occasionally I resent it but mostly I recognise the improvements they have brought me. It’s not easy to be compliant all the time. Some of the drugs I take have side effects. Some side effects are obvious while others remain unseen. 

For example, I take Lithium. It gives me a tremor in my hands. It’s not very obvious but I’m conscious of it and it bothers me. Because I have Diabetes Insipidus, I need to pee hourly. It can be a pain on long journeys. And every three to six months I have blood tests to check on damage to my kidneys especially but also my thyroid gland. And that’s just one of the medication I take. 

But for all it’s disadvantages, Lithium has changed my life. I don’t think I would be here writing this blog without it. In short, the benefits far outweigh the side effects. 

So if you’re reading this and you suffer with mental illness, think twice before you stop your medication. Talk to your doctor about it and be sure that it is the right move for you. 

One of the things I have to do to keep well is to take a few pills. It’s easy and I’m going to keep doing it.  

Behind the scene.

I haven’t posted for a while. I’ve been lazy. I haven’t a whole lot to say. Things have been going well the last while.

I was a bit depressed in August. It was very mild. It didn’t exactly stop me from doing anything but it just made everything a bit harder. It just required a bit more effort to function. At times like this I tend to isolate myself. I don’t want to go out. I have no interest in activity, no interest in socialising. Ironically, the very act of doing something usually makes me feel better. Just taking the first step, although difficult, can be rewarding. There can be a perceptible lift in my mood.

This is where my wife comes in. She is keenly in tune with my moods. She can tell when I’m feeling down and she is my greatest supporter. She knows only too well that gentle activity will do me good and she persuades me to get up and partake. It is a balancing act. If she is too persistent I get too irritable and will refuse to do anything. But she has a way of getting around me and I am truly grateful for her patience and care.

My boys are in tune with my moods as well. They know when to approach me for something and when I just want to be left alone. Sometimes they are at the receiving end of my irritability and I always regret those moments. They make my life easier when I need it most.

You see, psychiatric illness doesn’t just affect the individual, it affects the whole family. Mental illness is pervasive and colours every aspect of your life. I couldn’t survive without the tolerance and support of my family. I owe them a great debt of gratitude.

That is why it is so important to celebrate when I’m feeling well, as I do right now. As I said, I was depressed in August but my mood lifted in September. That was helped by a visit to my psychiatrist and some juggling with my medication. Life has been easier for the past month and I’ve been feeling more enthusiastic. Not a lot has changed at home. My sons are all teenagers and they do there own thing with little input from me or my wife. But there is no hassle at home. There is a palpable sense of calm and they don’t have to walk around me on tip-toe. It is a welcome break for my wife too. I am less of a burden on her. There is an injection of a vital ingredient for a happy life. There is fun.

So I’ve been keeping as active as I can and I feel I have more energy as a result. I had a lovely day when invited to my cousin’s wedding in Waterford at the end of August. My mood was starting to lift and I had a wonderful time. The bride and groom were so happy and it made me reminisce on my own wedding day. I met with my family, cousins, aunts and uncles and I got to dance with my wife. Any day that I get to dance with my wife is a good day.

So I’ve been trying to keep myself well. I’ve been going to the gym and I even got out on my bike a few times in the last fortnight. I’m careful about my sleeping habits and I continue to see my therapist. Taking my medications every day is a given. I meditate almost every day. I miss the odd day but not often. I believe that meditation helps keep me balanced.

I have a “Mitra” ceremony in a few weeks at the Buddhist Centre. Mitra means friend and the ceremony essentially denotes when I commit to being a Buddhist. I then become a “friend” of the Buddhist community. It’s a lovely idea and I’m looking forward to it. My involvement with the Buddhist community in the last while has been very good for me.

When I was first diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, it was explained to me that it would affect me mentally, physically and spiritually. I didn’t really understand at the time and it is only in recent months that I have started to address all three aspects of the illness.

All of the efforts I make to limits the effects of my illness are important. From taking my medication to getting exercise and socialising, all play a part. But the most important stabilising factor is the love and support of my family. They have been there every step of the way.

I am never alone. I’m a very lucky man.