Family.

I drove to Limerick yesterday afternoon. There was a celebration for my uncle’s sixtieth birthday in my aunt’s house and I decided to go along. I’m glad I did.

My uncle is a barber. I spent most of my teenage Saturday’s working with him. I washed customer’s hair and kept the salon tidy. It was fun. My uncle played a very important part in my formative years. He was funny but wise and occasionally very sensitive. He supported me at times when I was having a tough time. He listened to me and gave me a shoulder to cry on. He had a great love of music and gave me some of my first albums. I always admired him and it was good to see him yesterday.

In addition I got to meet up with family members I haven’t seen in years. My aunts, cousins, partners, friends and some of my immediate family arrived. It was lovely to see them all. Some of them asked me how I was doing and they were genuinely concerned for me. They know I have had difficult times but there was no pity. Just a kindly support.

I had forgotten but I am the eldest grandchild in the family and I posed for photographs with the youngest. The atmosphere was festive and unfortunately I had to leave early. I had decided to be home in Dublin for midnight. The traffic was light and the drive was easy.

I spent quite a bit of time chatting about a recent cruise to Norway, our family  summer holiday. It was so relaxing, pain-free. The fjords of Norway are spectacular. We spent twelve days being treated to scenery that was breathtaking. I began to take it for granted in the end. We visited beautiful glaciers and strolled in picturesque cities and towns. We fully recharged the batteries.

In my last post before we went on holidays I told you that my mood had turned for the worst and my medication had been changed. I think that this in combination with the holiday has done me the world of good. Life has been without stress and excepting a few bad days, my mood has been better.

In recent months I have been frequenting the Dublin Buddhist Centre. I’m a regular feature at weekly open night meetings and I now consider myself to be a Buddhist. Not only do I find the meditation practise helpful but it has added structure to my life. An added bonus is that I have made new friends and a few of whom I am very fond. Every little bit of support helps.

Today, I am feeling very grateful. I am grateful for my friends but especially today for my family. We all take our family for granted and I am no different. But when it comes to the crunch they will be there for me when all else have turned away. And I will be there for them. It is important to have family when you are in trouble but it was even better to celebrate with them when things are good. The balance is important.

I’m in good form today and life is good. I’ll take that and try to hold on to it. I’ll deal with tomorrow when it comes. Right now, I know I’ll be okay. Actually, it’s more than that…I am okay. Best wishes for now.

Nothing lasts forever…

I suppose it shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise but my mood has finally turned a little sour. For the past two weeks I have been in a mixed state, dysphoric. I’m not sleeping well. For example I slept for three hours last night but I don’t even feel tired today. I couldn’t nap even if I wanted. I’m full of nervous energy. But it is a negative energy. My thoughts are dark and brooding and I’m irritable and restless. The truth is that I’m cranky and easy to annoy. I can get angry in seconds. Unchecked my mixed state can be destructive as I’ve mentioned before. The trick is to rein it in early.

I shouldn’t really complain too much. I’m not too bad. I can function normally, I just feel a bit miserable. I’ve been much worse before and severe depression is much more difficult to manage and to endure. Dysphoria is easy by comparison.

I guess I’m just disappointed that my mood dipped. No, that’s not true. I’m disgusted that my mood slipped into dysphoria. I had the best part of three months where I felt better than I had done for years. I had three months of euthymia, normality and balanced mood. I had three months where life felt easy and I was coasting. And in reality, I hoped it would never end.

I have no right nor reason to expect that my mood would stay good indefinitely. The past fourteen years have thought me that I have several mood swings a year. Why should this year be any different? In short, it isn’t. I’ve had a good patch and now it’s over. It’s time to get busy livin’ or get busy dyin’.

Like I say, I shouldn’t complain. I’ve been to see my psychiatrist already and we agreed a few changes to my medication. With any luck we will catch this mood swing early and prevent it from getting too serious. Hopefully the landing will be soft. My mixed states are almost always followed by a pure depressive phase. Hopefully it won’t be too bad but only time will tell.

In the meantime I try to do all the things that will support me through this rough patch. I’m going to work and managing fine. I try to go to the gym at least once a week. I try to socialise by visiting family and friends during the week. I’m still meditating every day and I believe that it helps. I continue to see my therapist. I’m trying to do all the right things. Sometimes it’s hard but I must avoid isolating and becoming melancholic.

I don’t know what’s going to happen over the next few weeks but I hope I get back to where I was. Where life was easy and I felt free. Nothing lasts forever, neither good mood nor bad. If I wait long enough my mood will turn again…hopefully for the better.

Donegal. 

Life is good. I’m feeling great. I haven’t a care in the world and I’ve been feeling like this for a while. I’m very grateful. 

For the long weekend, I travelled with my family to Donegal. I’ve never been before and the drive was long. But it’s worth it. Our hotel is on the beach. It’s 7.00am and I’m looking out at the waves breaking on the shore. It’s invigorating. 

We have no great plans for the day. My wife might take the kids surfing this morning but I won’t be joining them. I don’t swim. My aim today is to drink coffee, chill out and maybe read a book. We might do a little sightseeing if that’s what everyone wants but there’s no major agenda. And that suits me fine. 

It’s a little bit of a concern that I’m up so early while on holiday. It could be the sign of impending hypomania but I’m not really worried. I’ve been sleeping well in recent times and one early morning is not a cause for panic. If I have persistent early morning waking, then I will have to give it some consideration. But not now. 

I mentioned before that I had a renewed interest in meditation. It’s been going very well. I practice most days and regret when I miss a session. For a small effort on my part I gain a deep sense of relaxation and paradoxically, I always feel more alert and refreshed afterwards.  It seems to be working for me at any rate. It’s nourishment for the mind. 

Looking out at the sea, I delight in how peaceful and contented I am. The feeling is priceless. Wherever you are reading this, I hope you find a little peace and calm in your day. May you be happy. I’ll be in touch. 

It’s all good. 

  1. I haven’t posted for a while. I haven’t had much to say. You would be forgiven for thinking that I am feeling low but actually it’s the opposite. Everything is going really well for the last few months. I don’t know myself. It’s easy to write when I have something to complain about but less so when my mood is balanced.

This is the longest stretch of euthymia that I have had for years and I am truly grateful for the opportunity to recharge the batteries. It’s a welcome relief. Not that I don’t get bad days, I do. But that’s all they are. Days when I’m off form. They don’t persist. Doesn’t everyone get days like that?

Life is not a struggle right now. There is no effort involved in everyday activities. Work is fine, my home life is peaceful and I look forward to each new day with energy and enthusiasm. I’m enjoying myself. Long may it last.

Recently I took a holiday to South Africa with my family. It was lovely. We visited Cape Town and went to all the usual tourist attractions. The highlight of the trip was two days we spent on Safari. It was spectacular. We had a great time.

This time last year, I was in hospital. If someone had told me then that I would go on safari within twelve months, I would have suggested that they were mad and advised them to book into hospital with me for treatment.

There is no over estimating the beneficial effects of the passage of time. I don’t think about my admissions to hospital that much, there is no point. But I’m struck by how much better I feel, how much stronger, just one year later.

Everything changes, nothing lasts forever. Depression, hypomania and euthymia all come and go. I never know what’s just around the corner. My life is unpredictable and maybe that’s what makes it so interesting.

Blessed.

I really am very lucky. I’m not always conscious of this. I forget all too easily. When times are hard it becomes increasingly difficult to remember. But things are good at the moment and it’s important to reflect on my blessings.

Life has been good for the last few weeks. My mood is good and I have energy. I’m enjoying life. Work is easy and I’m sleeping well. I’m euthymic, normal. It’s payback time.

Recently I went on a skiing holiday with my family. It was lovely and we all enjoyed it. The weather was good, the air was crisp and the scenery was stunning. I’m not much of a skier but I stuck to the beginner slopes while my wife and sons attempted the more challenging slopes. But what I enjoyed the most was the time spent with my family. Time spent swapping stories of our experiences during the day on the mountain. Time having long meals together. Time spent laughing. There was no hassle, no depression nor hypomania, no worries. It was life at it’s best. It was fun.

I’ve started meditating more regularly this month. I aim for twenty minutes a day. I’ve dabbled with meditation before but I got lazy. My practice dwindled. Now I’m focussing on it again and giving it more attention. I enrolled in a five week introductory course, once a week for a few hours and I find it very helpful. I look forward to meditating every day. For a short while I can calm my mind and tune in to how I’m feeling. Immediately afterwards I fell more focussed and relaxed for a while. The experts assure me that with regular sessions, that same feeling of serenity will persist for longer during the day. It’s worth a try and it can’t hurt. Let’s see if I can keep it up when I’m not feeling so stable. That will be the real test.

I don’t mean to be pessimistic but it won’t last. It never does. That’s my reality. That is why this time is so special, why it tastes so sweet. It’s been a rough twelve months and it is wonderful to wake up happy, without a care in the world. Maybe it’s a blessing to have bipolar disorder. Living through tough times allows you to appreciate when it’s good. Maybe you can’t understand the highs until you’ve been low.

I find myself checking my mood every now and then. Am I too happy? Am I getting hypomanic? It’s a natural fear but I think that right now I’m just balanced. It’s normal to be content some of the time.

Either way, I’m very grateful for what I’ve got and I’m going to make hay while the sun shines!

 

Hanging in. 

The new year didn’t start out as I had hoped. A lingering sense of lethargy and disinterest prevailed. I don’t think I was clinically depressed though at times I was close to it. I just had no energy, no joy in life. My wife calls it “flat” and that’s a very good description. Life just felt harder than it needed to be. 

Earlier in the month, I took a few days off work. I felt guilty about it and agonised before making the decision. Part of me believed I was malingering, dossing but the sense of relief when I knew I had a few free days was wonderful. 

It is suggested that you should keep active when depressed. You ought to keep on going to work, try to socialise, try to exercise, try to live. I think this is good advice but I also recognise that there are times when I feel overwhelmed and I need to take a step back from the world. It doesn’t happen too often. It’s about recognising the need to relieve the pressure. It’s about taking care of myself. It’s about being kind. 

In my case, the few days of freedom did me good. I was refreshed afterwards. I regained a little energy. The associated guilt passed. Now I’m glad I did it. 

Recently, I was talking to my sister about my mood for the last while and she made the point that most people feel a bit down in January. The “January blues” are a real thing. Maybe this time of year is depressing for people and even more so for those with bipolar disorder. But I don’t believe that fully explains my mood. When I look back over my blog, I can see that my mood has been low since before Christmas. Depression differs from the “blues” in severity and duration. However, it does seem to be worse in the winter months, a feature that is well described. 

A few weeks ago, when at my lowest, I contacted my psychiatrist and we agreed a tweak in my medication. It’s taken a few weeks to take effect but I am noticing a difference in the last few days. The days have been a bit brighter too and maybe that helps. I continue to see my therapist and that supports me through the tough times though it can be a difficult process. In my opinion, if you find psychotherapy easy, you’re not doing it right. 

I’ve also noticed that I feel better when I get up early in the morning. On days I have no work, I have a tendency to rest in bed until 11 a.m. or later. I get up feeling anxious and maudlin and it takes hours before I feel human again. My head is clearer when I rise earlier. It’s a small observation but a simple habit to start. I simply need to set an alarm. 

As I said, I’m feeling better the last few days. Hopefully it will continue to improve and soon I will be in a “normal” place where life is easier and fun. 

I have a lot to look forward to this year. In a fortnight my family will go skiing. It’s always an enjoyable holiday and I invariably find it invigorating.

Things always get better. I just need to hang in there. 

Reminiscing.

As the year draws to a close and a new one begins, I find myself reflecting on the past and aspiring to the future. My mood has been flat in recent weeks, tending towards depression but thankfully not quite reaching it. I have had a good Christmas but my thoughts are inclined to be negative and I am conscious of this as I write. It is an effort to be balanced.

This year saw me and my family face many challenges. I had two separate, though related, hospital admissions and for this reason, 2016 would seem to be worth forgetting. I was depressed for much of the year but found time to fit in a manic episode as well. I sunk so low that I was ready to throw in the towel. But I’m still here, I survived.

It may sound paradoxical but I am grateful for my health. I know I suffer from bipolar disorder but this is an old foe and I am familiar with the rules of engagement. I’m glad I don’t have any new illness like diabetes , heart disease or cancer. There is a long list of conditions I would consider worse than bipolar disorder. Even more, I am glad that my family are well and in particular, my sons have not shown any signs of mental disturbance. For that I am truly grateful. It is a source of some concern.

My wife is still with me and if anything our relationship is stronger than ever. That is both a small miracle and evidence of the existence of guardian angels. Over the years I have given her ample reason to leave me and yet she remains. Her love and compassion are unerring and sometimes the only things that keep me going. I would be nothing without her.

The year at work has been fairly straightforward. A few patients gave me cause for worry but in the main my days were routine and mundane. I have learned to value the routine days as I become more experienced. As an anaesthetist, I used to relish excitement in my younger days. Now I avoid it like the plague. Thankfully I was in a position to take time off work when unwell and return to it after recuperating. Not everybody with mental illness is so fortunate.

I had some lovely holidays with my family this year. We were skiing and we spent a lovely time in Spain. The memories will serve to support me when things feel hard. I have recently spent time with my family over Christmas and spent a few days with my wife’s family just afterwards. I wasn’t in the best form but nobody asked me to be. I still managed to function and be involved and I had a lovely time. I’m happy that people can accept me just the way I am. I don’t have to act. I can just be.

This is the first year that I have kept a blog. I have been humbled by the number of views that my posts have generated and by the attached messages and comments. It is hard to believe that so many people are in my corner and care about my welfare. Your support means more that you know. I count you all among my friends and wish you a happy and peaceful New Year.

Finally, I started writing this blog in the hope that it might help someone struggling with bipolar disorder. Now I know that it already has. When times get tough, I can read back on these pages to remind me that things always get better. If it helps no one else, at least it helps me and thank you all for joining me on this adventure.

2017 is full of promise. It promises less depression, less hypomania and the enduring love of my family and friends. It promises to give me at least one of my three wishes. After that we’ll just have to wait and see…..I’ll keep you posted.

Freedom.

“Your eyes are soft with sorrow
Hey, that’s no way to say goodbye”

“Hey, That’s No Way To Say Goodbye” – Leonard Cohen.

The fog has lifted again. Another bout of depression survived. It wasn’t so bad this time. Maybe six weeks. I’ve had much worse but I’m not complaining. I’ll take bearable any day.

I feel a new sense of freedom. Freedom to engage with the world again, freedom from isolation and the freedom that comes with clarity of thought. I’m free to live my life once more. It’s a welcome feeling and I am most grateful.

I don’t know what I did to get better this time but I know that I didn’t do it on my own. My wife’s continued support amazes me. She tolerates my moods with superhuman understanding and tolerance. I know it is frustrating for her. She has seen me in pain and admits that she doesn’t know what she can do to help. Mostly there is nothing she can do and sometimes I want her to do nothing. Sometimes, just being present is enough.

I was in contact, more than once, with my psychiatrist during this latest episode. We agreed changes to my medication twice. I know that helped but it doesn’t explain everything that led to my improvement.

I’ve been meeting with my psychotherapist weekly recently. The sessions are hard. There is usually tears and grappling with the pain that sits deep in my stomach. It is a physical pain born of emotion and hard to soothe. But usually after these sessions I get some relief, a softening of the knot, an easing of the anguish. It allows me to continue a little longer.

Going to the gym to force myself to get a little exercise was difficult but always followed by a sense of achievement. I went only once or twice a week but I think it was important in my recovery. I am thankful to my personal trainer for his patience in recent weeks. He provided me a much needed distraction from the misery I was experiencing.

But I think that the most important ingredient in my recovery was the simple passage of time. All of the influences I have mentioned played a part but ultimately my bouts of depression are self-limiting. I’m lucky, the worm always turns. If I was granted one wish it would be to travel back in time and remind my suffering self to “Hang in there! It always gets better.” Maybe I should write that on a Post-It and stick it to my bathroom mirror. It is definitely the take-home message of this post.

I was saddened to hear of the passing of Leonard Cohen this week. I have been listening to his music since college and regret that I never saw him live. I have always found consolation in his music particularly at times when I was depressed. His melancholy arrangements have touched me and soothed. I don’t know whether I listen to Leonard Cohen because I am depressed or whether it depresses me further. I believe it is the former. Cohen spoke openly of his struggle with depression in his life and maybe I sense an understanding of my plight in his voice. He has been more than a singer to me, he has been my companion on a difficult journey. I hope he is at rest.

It’s a time to be happy, a time to be content. I have the energy to celebrate my family, my friends and my life. It is a passing phase I know but all the sweeter for that.

Disturbed. 

I’m tired. I’m tired of struggling. I’m tired of wishing life was easier. I’m tired of putting on a brave face.

In the last two weeks my mood has changed again. I’m feeling low yet irritable, agitated and frustrated at the same time. I think I’m in a mixed state. That horrible combination of feeling depressed with concomitant symptoms of hypomania.

I spoke with my psychiatrist during the week and we’ve tweaked my medication. I’m aware of a measurable improvement even after a few days but it will take a few weeks for the full effects. Inevitably, I may start to feel a more pure form of depression. Hopefully, the landing will be gentle. Time will tell.

I feel robbed. I had been doing so well. Since August I have been enthusiastic and energetic. Two months of enjoying life. I was getting used to it. I know that Bipolar Disorder is cyclical in nature but I thought I deserved a longer break. My family deserve a longer break.

I’m trying to keep it together. I’ve been off work this week but in some ways that’s a disadvantage. The distraction of activity can be therapeutic, I find. I’ve arranged to meet my therapist more frequently for a while. The sessions are more difficult when I’m low but they bring relief.

I’ve been trying to exercise in the gym. A few weeks ago my wife suggested that I sign up with a Personal Trainer. It was a good idea. Even when I don’t feel up to it, a fixed appointment motivates me to train when I wouldn’t bother if left to my own devices.

So I’m trying to support myself as best I can. It’s not so bad, I can still function. Everything just requires more effort, more energy and the rewards are smaller. Thankfully my sleep is still pretty good and hopefully it will stay that way. Sleep patterns are my best indicator of a mood swing gone out of control.

As mentioned, when mixed I get irritable. I get angry and, if left unchecked, I get destructive. I’ve put much effort over the years in psychotherapy learning how to deal with anger. I’m still working on it but I can control it better than I used to do. I try to analyse the source and have found that mostly I am angry with myself. At something I am feeling, something I have said or done or of something I’m afraid. By understanding that most of my anger is self-directed, I can channel it and consider what I really want to happen and aim for that instead. It usually works but not always. I frequently need to apologise and mend bridges. Anger in Bipolar Disorder is well described but irrespective of the cause, I am still responsible for it and for taming it. It’s a work in progress.

I listen to a lot of music when I’m not feeling well. I find it soothing. Sometimes I find it emotional and a tune or vocals can touch a raw nerve. It can raise the hairs at the back of my neck. It can move me to tears.

I recently heard a version of “The Sound of Silence” by the band “Disturbed” as played on the Conan Show. You can listen to it here if you are so inclined. It touched me deeply. Somehow it brought me comfort. Someone knows how it feels. Something in the singers voice reminded me of the anguish of depression. The pain that is rarely talked about. Though I think that’s changing and people are less afraid to speak out.

Next week is “Mental Health Week”. Hopefully it will do some good. The key message is that it’s ok not to be ok. Talking helps.

Flawed intentions. 

It was “Suicide Awareness Week” earlier this month and it has prompted me to describe my experiences today. I don’t like discussing suicide. I think it to be the most negative manifestation of Bipolar Disorder and other psychiatric illnesses. I thought long and hard about whether I wanted to publicly admit that I had tried. I am very ashamed of my attempts.

But maybe writing this will allow me to organise my thoughts. Maybe someone will relate to my description and find in it some small element of support. I write only of my struggle and my opinions. I don’t pretend to understand everybody’s journey.

I’ve tried to kill myself a number of times in the last decade. Some attempts were more likely to succeed than others but in each case the intention was clear – I wanted to die. Equally obvious in every case was that I was very unwell.

Mostly I was very depressed, when I tried, but I can remember one occasion when I was in a mixed state. For me, mixed state can be almost as destructive as pure depression.

There is no logic to the thoughts that precede a suicide attempt. Invariably I have been very low and sought a way to escape that pain. It is difficult to accurately describe the agony of despair, hopelessness and crippling loneliness that I feel sometimes.

But this isn’t the main goal of wanting to die. I would persuade myself that I was a burden to my family. They, and the world, would be better off without me. So there was both selfish and altruistic motives to my plan.

These ideas are flawed. Suicidal ideation has always arisen at time of distorted reasoning, at times of poorly controlled mood swings, at times of crisis. My poor judgement has frequently been further distorted by alcohol. I drink when severely depressed, looking for a solution but finding only a reinforcement that my life is worthless. It’s simple, I can’t drink alcohol.

In recent months I took an overdose of my prescription medication. I hoped I would peacefully fall asleep and slip away. I had a romantic notion that my wife would hold my hand and reassure me, that my children would say goodbye and I would find serenity.

There is nothing serene or romantic about suicide. My family were in the house when I overdosed. When they found me and saw what I had done, there was fear, panic and anger. The sense of betrayal was palpable.

Thankfully, I didn’t take enough tablets to succeed but I became violently ill. I suffered profound side effects and ended up in the A&E of a general hospital. What I remember most about that night is of being very afraid. This wasn’t how it was meant to be. This wasn’t a solution. I had only made things worse.

In any event, I survived and ended up once more in a Psychiatric Hospital. The rest is history.

Some people who survive a suicide attempt get a semicolon tattoo as a reminder of their experience. I bought myself a gold signet ring. It is engraved, behind the band, with “30th March 2016, the date of World Bipolar Day. It reminds me that I have survived. It reminds me that I have come through the storm. It reminds me to be grateful.

Every time I look at that ring I think of all the good things in my life and of the blessings that are yet to come. I want to grow old with my wife, see my children graduate and get married. I hope I will get to play with my grandchildren. It is easy to be grateful at the moment, I’m feeling well. The real test will be when I’m hypomanic or depressed. Will the ring on my hand remind me, perhaps convince me, that it always gets better?

image


We are told that little things make a difference to our mental health. I sometimes think of a Snoopy cartoon where he suggests to Charlie Brown to focus on living instead of worrying about dying. In my version, Charlie Brown says “One day I tried to commit suicide and nearly lost everything” and Snoopy replies “Yes, but on all the others, you didn’t”

Somebody once told me that everyone has the right to decide to commit suicide but it is always the wrong decision. I’m in agreement. Lets hope I agree in future.