Tag: Euthymic

In common with medication, psychotherapy is essential to my wellbeing. Psychotherapy allows me to observe and study myself. It allows me to adapt. It brings cohesion to my life.

I’ve met with a number of psychotherapists over the years. I was introduced to the first a little over twenty years ago. He was a good man and he tried to help me but I was too young and arrogant. My mind was closed and I derived slight benefit from our time together. Later, I tried my hand with a man in Cork. I didn’t get on well with him and stormed out of his office, never to return. A lady kept me company for a few years when I moved to Dublin but she then retired and the search continued. A short trial with a hypnotherapist followed but it wasn’t for me.

Finding the right psychotherapist, not unlike medication, involves a degree of trial and error. For the relationship to work there must be compatible personalities. The work requires trust on both sides. And there is no quick fix. You will be together for a long while.

Three years ago I found the psychotherapist that I continue to meet to this day. I think I was finally mature enough and sufficiently open-minded to start getting well. We have achieved more in the last three years than all the previous years of therapy put together. He knows me better than anyone, except perhaps my wife. Together we have examined the hidden corners of my mind, the deepest recesses of my soul.

I have read a little recently about the concept of making friends with your demons, embracing them and thus coming to understand them. Ultimately to accept them. I don’t know how that works yet but I can assure you it’s not easy. Allowing yourself to sit with your deepest emotions is terrifying and draining. But when you have the right pilot leading and you have the courage to explore, it can be done safely and successfully. Moreover, there is great satisfaction and even relief awaiting you.

Sometimes I don’t have the energy to delve into my various woes. Then my therapist and i just chat and we usually make time for a laugh. We discuss simple things, my wife, my sons, my work. With him, I have learned a greater understanding of my relationships and my journey through life. Most prized of all, I have learned gratitude.

When entering this most recent phase of psychotherapy, I wanted to focus on managing my anger. Whether hereditary, learned behaviour or a manifestation of my mood disorder, my temper was causing me to hurt the ones who loved me the most. To say I was difficult to live with doesn’t really come close to describing it. But I quickly learned it wasn’t going to be that simple. To get to the core I had to peel back all the layers around it. Guilt, fear, grief and loneliness were in the way. But I wasn’t alone. My guide was beside me all the time. And it was worth it. I am certainly less tempestuous now and everyone in my life reaps the rewards. Especially me.

Recently, I proposed a new voyage with my therapist. I want to set sail in a different direction. The destination is far away and I don’t have a map but it is the most worthy of goals. I asked my friend to teach me how to love myself. I’m looking forward to getting there.

In my opinion, the two most important things you can do to stay well (when you have a mental illness) is attend a Psychiatrist and meet with a Psychotherapist. Medication can help you control Bipolar Disorder, Psychotherapy can help you live with it.

I first attended a Psychiatrist in 1994. I was psychotic and he started me on antipsychotics. It was exactly what I needed. I spent a short time in hospital but would remain on medication for about two years. I don’t remember exactly how long but I got my life back and recommenced my medical career. In retrospect, this episode probably signified the clinical onset of Bipolar Disorder but it would be a few years before I was diagnosed for certain.

I had a severe attack of depression in 1998. My first son was just born and I had begun training in Anaesthesia in Cork. I didn’t want to see a Psychiatrist. I was convinced that if it became known that I had a psychiatric illness, my medical career would be over. Instead, I was prescribed antidepressants by my G.P. and I improved. I took a maintenance dose for years after but I never felt quite right. Life was a constant struggle, my relationship with my wife was strained and I was drinking heavily at weekends.

My current Psychiatrist first saw me in 2003. I was coming off the rails and had become very destructive. My wife persuaded me to meet with him and I reluctantly agreed. It was one of the best decisions of my life. I was admitted to hospital for nearly two months and diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.

I remember crying when I was told. I knew enough to know that Bipolar Disorder isn’t easy to treat but there was also a great sense of relief. Now we had a focus and could plan to improve things.

Antiepiletics and atypical antipsychotics formed the backbone of my medication. The effect wasn’t immediate but life got easier eventually. I continued to have frequent mood swings and, with reservations, I started Lithium. That’s when the worm turned. Lithium is the key to my well-being. By taking Lithium, I finally admitted that I was Bipolar. Acceptance took much longer.

Over the ensuing years, my Psychiatrist and I tried a number of medication combinations with varying degrees of success and failure. We finally landed on my current regime about three years ago and life is definitely much easier. It takes a long time to get the recipe right. I still have mood swings but they are not as severe nor last as long as previously.

My Psychiatrist has supported me through some of the darkest days of my illness. He listens to me, he believes me and he includes me in the choices we make. That element of self-control is important to me. It empowers me and helps me to believe that I am greater than my illness. It is not the whole.

Through the depressions and the hypomanias, through the hospitalisations my Psychiatrist has guided me. He has also seen me when I’m well and done his best to keep me there.

I would be lost without him.

I started to learn about science when I was twelve years old. I enjoyed chemistry and physics but it was biology that really fired my imagination. It seemed to me that medicine was the logical way to learn more about it and have a career immersed in subjects that I liked and for which I had an aptitude. I decided then to become a doctor and I never changed my mind.

It was not an easy path. There was no history of medicine in my family and I was repeatedly told of how difficult it is to gain entry to medical school. I was advised to consider alternatives. But my mother in particular, and my then biology teacher, encouraged me to stick to my guns and I began to believe I could do it.

I can still remember the day, after my Leaving Certificate results had been decided, when the offers of college places were published in the news paper and I was given a position in UCC. I barely made the grade but it was enough. I had my foot in the door and that was all I needed. I ran all the way home from the shop where I bought the paper, full of excitement and delight. I think my parents were very proud.

The next six years had their ups and downs but I started work as an Intern in 1994. I had a psychotic breakdown within the first four months of starting work and I was to be out of action for a year. I repeated my Internship in 1996 and after a brief spell as a Medical Senior House Officer, I commenced specialist training in Anaesthesia in 1998. It was the same year my first son was born.

While I was training, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. In truth, I think it was with me all the way. Bipolar slowed and altered my career path but I was able to continue. I passed my postgraduate examinations and completed my training in 2006. I have been working as a Consultant Anaesthetist ever since.

Being a doctor is a huge part of my life. It is part of my identity. When I am well, I love my work. When I am unwell, it gives me focus and distraction. I have to put the needs of my patients before my own and frequently this takes my mind away from my own thoughts and problems. I am convinced that being Bipolar gives me an advantage. Having lived through fear and anxiety and surfaced at the other side, when an emergency arises, I can cope better with the stress and think clearly and act decisively to rectify the situation. Of course, there have been times when I wasn’t in a position to help others and needed help myself. The trick is to be able to recognise when that is the case and take some time out.

I’ve been fortunate. Some people suffer mental illness so severely that they have to abandon their careers entirely. Some people don’t enjoy the support that I do. For me, I try constantly to remind myself that the debilitating symptoms of being Bipolar have a finite half-life. The bad times pass and it’s possible to live a relatively normal life if you learn to cope with your illness and take care of yourself.

I love being a doctor. I love the contact with people, the challenge and the satisfaction it brings. But most of all, I love it because it’s my chance to give a little back.