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Codependent.

“Life is an ocean and love is a boat
In troubled water that keeps us afloat”

“The Voyage” – Christy Moore.

——

I had a good weekend out of hospital. I tried to keep active. I went to town on Saturday and bought a jewellery box for my wife. It was a nice gift and she really likes it. I am trying to show my appreciation for all she has done for me, for how much I value her support. It is my lifeline.

I walked the dogs and played my guitar. I read and watched TV. Thankfully, my concentration is improving and completely gone are the hallucinations and paranoid delusions. I’m on the mend. I slept better than I have for weeks. The only negative is that I have gained about 5kg in weight since my admission. All I do is eat and I get little exercise. I find that demoralising.

But my wife was working over the weekend and I spent long periods of time alone. I’m not good in my own company. I tend to get lonely and depressed. This is a big problem for me.IMG_0612

Since I came into hospital, I have been taking a course which in essence asks you to focus on how to keep well when discharged and to consider what “triggers” can lead to relapse. Triggers are the events or situations which can destabilise your mood. Everybody can identify a few.

Christmas is one such trigger for me. I am always elated in the months leading up to Christmas and the associated hyperactivity usually allows me to have all my shopping done by early November. But this is in contrast to the depression which inevitably strikes during the Christmas holiday itself. That sense of depression persists into the new year and, on this occasion, was the reason for my admission to hospital.

But a more common trigger for me is loneliness. When I spend too much time on my own I get very maudlin. I’m not sure whether depression makes me feel lonely or the loneliness makes me feel depressed. I think it is the latter but the end result is the same. I know this is something I need to work on.

I believe I am codependent on my wife. I am too reliant on my wife for companionship, approval and sense of identity. When I am with her, everything is rosy in the garden. When we are apart, I start to feel low. We spend a lot of our time in each others company. We eat together, we watch TV together, we even exercise together. She is more than just my companion, she is my best friend.

Not a day goes by when I don’t contact her at least twice looking for reassurance. My evenings revolve around her arrival home. I am envious of her giving her time to other people when she could be concentrating on me.

It is an unhealthy state of affairs and one that will put a strain on our marriage. There is no magic tablet to cure this. I need to work on it with my psychotherapist. I need to expand my circle of friends and find ways to occupy my free time. I need to end this reliance on my wife for making me feel happy. I need to give her a break!

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Day 16.

“Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard”

The Scientist – Coldplay

——

I’m feeling a bit better today. I’m on the mend. It has taken over two weeks to get to this point. Recovery is slow but then, I easily forget that I was significantly ill. What makes matters worse is that I’m not really sure what happened this time. I can’t decide on a trigger. May be I’m not meant to know.

IMG_0172The voices in my head are gone, a huge relief. I’m simply left with my own usual deliberations tending to the sarcastic. That’s normal for me.

The paranoia has settled greatly. I no longer hear messages from the radio, nor receive instructions on how to dress and what to do. The greatest relief is that I am no longer paranoid around my wife. That was upsetting.

Unfortunately I still have night terrors. I wake repeatedly during the night screaming, covered in sweat, heart racing. I can remember one of the nightmares I had last night. The clown from Stephen King’s “IT” was stalking me. I wrote down the first thing that came into my mind in that fugue immediate upon waking. This morning I read it- “Self-loathing/fear”. I don’t know what that means and exactly what I’m meant to do with it. Sounds like a job for my psychotherapist.

I’ve been accepted onto a course while here for the next few weeks. It’s called the “Psychosis Programme” and is meant to help me cope with the hallucinations and delusions I’ve been suffering. I’ll bet the other participants will have some interesting ideas. Should be fun!

I don’t have much more to say today. The accompanying photo was taken during a short cruise last summer. I was relaxing, taking it easy, with my feet up. That’s what I’m going to do now. I suggest you do the same.

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Day 12.

“Miracles will happen as we trip,
But we’re never gonna survive unless,
We get a little crazy”

“Crazy” – Seal

——

Well, I’m still here and not due to go anywhere for some time yet. I was home over the weekend and that went well. But I found myself getting tired very easily. A short walk with the dogs and I was wrecked. Fatigue is a well known symptom of depression so I might as well get used to it for a while.

Of course adding to the fatigue is the simple fact that I’m not getting enough sleep. I am chronically tired. My eyes burn and so does my brain but I just can’t switch off. I’m taking sufficient medication to sedate a large donkey but it is to no avail. Despite the inability to doze off, side effects of the medication are becoming troublesome. My hands shake, my mouth is dry, I’m suffering heartburn and constipation is a daily problem. Some of these can be treated but mostly they must be quietly tolerated.

The delusion of voices in my head is abating. They are not as intrusive nor distressing. I still hear them at night and during the morning but, as the day passes, they abate. When I am aware of them, they are distressing. The content is always negative and derogatory. Occasionally, it is bizarre.

The paranoid delusions are going strong. They are vivid and all centre on the notion that I need to be taught a lesson. That I have become too big for my boots, too cocky. I am trying to fight them but sometimes its easier just to give in and do what they want. By the way, I don’t know who they are and I’m not particularly keen to find out. But I do know that they scare the daylights out of me and I spend my nights in terror.

The worst paranoid thoughts are the ones that derive from the members of my family. They are particularly upsetting and inhumane. Let’s hope they leave soon.

It’s tough. It’s hard to survive. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself and deeply sad. I can feel the energy draining away. That’s when I turn to my wife and she recharges my soul. Just a bit. She is like a Duracell bunny, she lasts longer than everyone else. She can afford to give me a little of her life-force. She has plenty in reserve. And anyway, I will pay her back before long.

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The Glue That Keeps Me Together.

“In our darkest hour

In my deepest despair 

Will you still care?

Will you be there?

In my trials

And my tribulations

Through our doubts

And frustrations

In my violence

In my turbulence

Through my fear

And my confessions

In my anguish and my pain

Through my Joy and my sorrow

In the promise of another tomorrow

I’ll never let you part

For you’re always in my heart.”

Michael Jackson – “Will you be there”.

—–

Earlier this year, in February, my wife and I were in London. We went to see the West End show “Thriller”. It was superb. I have some lovely memories. I don’t feel like sharing them. They belong to my wife and I. They rest in my heart. It’s personal.