“Life is an ocean and love is a boat
In troubled water that keeps us afloat”
“The Voyage” – Christy Moore.
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I had a good weekend out of hospital. I tried to keep active. I went to town on Saturday and bought a jewellery box for my wife. It was a nice gift and she really likes it. I am trying to show my appreciation for all she has done for me, for how much I value her support. It is my lifeline.
I walked the dogs and played my guitar. I read and watched TV. Thankfully, my concentration is improving and completely gone are the hallucinations and paranoid delusions. I’m on the mend. I slept better than I have for weeks. The only negative is that I have gained about 5kg in weight since my admission. All I do is eat and I get little exercise. I find that demoralising.
But my wife was working over the weekend and I spent long periods of time alone. I’m not good in my own company. I tend to get lonely and depressed. This is a big problem for me.
Since I came into hospital, I have been taking a course which in essence asks you to focus on how to keep well when discharged and to consider what “triggers” can lead to relapse. Triggers are the events or situations which can destabilise your mood. Everybody can identify a few.
Christmas is one such trigger for me. I am always elated in the months leading up to Christmas and the associated hyperactivity usually allows me to have all my shopping done by early November. But this is in contrast to the depression which inevitably strikes during the Christmas holiday itself. That sense of depression persists into the new year and, on this occasion, was the reason for my admission to hospital.
But a more common trigger for me is loneliness. When I spend too much time on my own I get very maudlin. I’m not sure whether depression makes me feel lonely or the loneliness makes me feel depressed. I think it is the latter but the end result is the same. I know this is something I need to work on.
I believe I am codependent on my wife. I am too reliant on my wife for companionship, approval and sense of identity. When I am with her, everything is rosy in the garden. When we are apart, I start to feel low. We spend a lot of our time in each others company. We eat together, we watch TV together, we even exercise together. She is more than just my companion, she is my best friend.
Not a day goes by when I don’t contact her at least twice looking for reassurance. My evenings revolve around her arrival home. I am envious of her giving her time to other people when she could be concentrating on me.
It is an unhealthy state of affairs and one that will put a strain on our marriage. There is no magic tablet to cure this. I need to work on it with my psychotherapist. I need to expand my circle of friends and find ways to occupy my free time. I need to end this reliance on my wife for making me feel happy. I need to give her a break!