Unexpected moods.

I haven’t posted in a long while. I’m out of practise. The year started well. Life was going smoothly. I was enthusiastic and energetic. Life was good. My mood was balanced. I had no complaints.

I was still minding myself. My medication prescription was the same for months, a sign of stability. I was meditating almost daily and visiting the Buddhist Centre regularly. I have a number of new friends that I met there and we meet up for coffee and a chat frequently. This social outlet has proven very important to me.

I’ve stopped seeing my therapist. We mutually agreed that I was no longer getting any benefit from our sessions. All the work had been done for now. I can return to him at any stage but breaking contact with him was an indicator of how well I was doing.

I’ve been working more lately. The extra income is welcome but I have to be careful not to overdo it. At times I have been very tired and I have to wonder what effect that is having on my mood. I try to get out on my bike for a bit of exercise but in truth, I haven’t been out as much as I should.

In the last month, things have been tough. At the start of May I started to feel down. It was unexpected. The days were getting brighter and longer and typically I would feel hypomanic at this time of the year. It wasn’t bad. Life was just a little bit of a struggle. The exception was when I was alone on a day off work. My mood sinks quite low when I’m inactive. The solution was simple. to get up and do something improved how I was feeling.

I think a certain amount of this is psychological. I’ve written about loneliness before and it is a real problem for me. But there is a certain amount of biological depression there too. My sleep is disturbed, I’m waking up early and tired. My appetite is reduced and I have little interest in daily activities.

It has become worse in the last week or so. My head is heavy and I’m isolating myself. I hardly talk to my wife and I’m irritable all the time. Irritability can be associated with depression but it can also be a sign of a mixed state. I don’t think I’m mixed at the moment but I’m monitoring myself for racing thoughts and signs of elation.

I get a sense of tension and aching in my stomach when I’m depressed. I call it “The Black Ball”. It holds a life time of anger and fear, guilt and shame. Sometimes I’m very aware of it. Sometimes it unbearable.

Yesterday was on of those times. I felt really low so I drank a glass of wine and then a second. I must admit that I felt better but there is no lasting relief. I know that alcohol will only make things worse and yet I drank. Luckily I stopped before I caused any lasting damage. The last time I drank was two years ago just before I attempted suicide. My wife was very worried when she found me drinking and understandably so. It was very selfish of me.

Two Irish Anaesthetist’s have committed suicide recently and people are rightly shocked and upset. It isn’t hard to change thoughts of committing suicide into action. All you need is the belief that life would be better without you and a bottle of wine. It’s all too easy.

Today is another day. The black ball is there but it’s bearable. The sun is out and my wife is just home from work. Maybe I will go for a cycle later. I won’t drink today. I don’t know about tomorrow but I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. Alcohol will only make things worse. It’s not worth the risk.

With a little patience, I can get through this episode. Life will improve. It always does. Sometimes I have to fight back but it’s a battle I’ve won before.

This too will pass…….