I forget so easily. When I’m depressed I forget that I have people who care about me. I forget to smile. I forget that it will come to an end.
Depression is an isolating illness. It is lonely and miserable. Amnesia sets in. I become so engrossed in the struggle to keep my head above water that I ignore all the good things in my life. They haven’t gone away, I just can’t see them anymore. Life goes out of focus and everything looks negative.
I read an interesting article recently on how to manage negative thoughts. The author asserted that, in origin, thoughts are neither positive nor negative and it is only the value we add to them after they occur that colours our perception. A whole system of psychotherapy, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy or CBT has been developed with this in mind. CBT is deemed to be very useful in the management of depression. In essence, if I can persuade myself to be more positive about my thoughts I can expect to feel better and this in turn will reflect in my behaviour. Unfortunately it is easier said than done.
I’ve dappled in CBT over the years but it has never been the primary aim of my therapy. I differentiate depression into mild, moderate and severe. During mild depression I can function well. With moderate depression it is difficult to maintain normal daily activities and when severely depressed I have no option but to withdraw from the world. Work and social engagements become impossible.
When I am mildly depressed, I can expect to have some clarity of thought. I can expect to be able to logically recognise when my thinking is unhelpful and guide it in a more positive direction. Alternatively, I can distract myself and disrupt the “stinking thinking”. This is not true of moderate or severe depression. My thoughts become progressively darker and even paranoid in a cycle that is near impossible to interrupt. I imagine all sorts of catastrophes befalling my family and to a lesser extent myself. I ruminate and amplify the disaster stories until I believe that they are definitely bound to occur. It is very distressing and I’m not sure that CBT has anything to offer when I’m feeling so low.
But the good news is that the depression I wrote about in my last post has lifted. I’ve been feeling good for the last fortnight. I’ve been feeling grateful. Forgotten is the pain and misery. A new amnesia unfolds. Behind me are the dark days and a new appreciation of all I have develops. Life is easy again. The sun feels warm and I revel in the wind on my arms as I cycle. I can smell the scent of my wife’s hair again. I’ve started to remember how to laugh.
I haven’t found the solution to my mood swings. I try to manage them simply. I take my medication, I try to exercise and I try to meditate daily. Meditation has had a dramatic effect on me. For thirty minutes a day I find peace. My body relaxes and the black ball in the pit of my stomach gets lighter and easier to carry. I like to think that, thanks to meditation, I am more in tune with my body during the day and more aware of its needs. If nothing else, it’s certainly doing no harm.
I muddle through my periods of depression. Sometimes the best therapy to hand is to tell my wife that I’m feeling like shit. That simple admission brings forgiveness and permission. Forgiveness for not wanting to talk. Acceptance that I will be cranky and ill-tempered. Permission to wallow on the couch for hours on end listening to music. She sometimes enquires if there is anything she can do and I simply ask her to reassure me that it will be alright. Then she smiles and hugs me. Sometimes I cry. But that’s okay, I have permission for that as well.
From a certain perspective, depression is a blessing. It brings me down only to allow me rise above it again. In rising I get the opportunity to see the wonderful gifts bestowed on me by life. Only due to the lows do I appreciate the highs. But it is short lived. I soon take things for granted and forget the excitement of feeling well again. It’s just as well. If I continued to marvel at all around me I would be hypomanic in no time.
Just when everything seems banal, depression will return to level the playing field. It’s a predictable visitor. If only I could remember that is will undoubtedly come to an end and reveal that wonderful enthusiastic feeling when it passes. Depression is the cost of experiencing true gratitude and contentment. It’s a heavy price but I think it’s one I’m willing to pay.
